Confessions of an Adoptive Mom

 

This is one of those things I would rather not have to write about. You probably won't like me after you read it. But, that doesn't get to figure into the equation when the Lord asks us to speak. Still, I hope you will be gentle.

The Lord is moving in His Body. Have you noticed it? Is it happening around you, too? His People are being called to adopt children. And as I hear more and more stories, the theme remains the same: God is growing hearts to receive His precious children who are in need of families. And as more and more people have adoption stories to tell, the story of our Adoption into His Family takes on new and deeper meaning. As adoptive parents we come to know the Heart of our Father in special ways.

I have told the story of our adoption adventure before, and it is filled with God's Grace. He called us, then carried us through the entire process in such a way that we were continually amazed by His Provision. 

We know He called us to it, but that didn't mean it would be easy.

We were concerned about adopting older children because we knew there would be "baggage" that arrived with them. Already having five other children, we were concerned about how that "baggage" would affect the children for whom we were already responsible. But the Lord, in His Mercy, chose exactly what He wanted. And we trusted Him to make a way. We thought it would be easier to start with infants because there would be less to "undo". But in the spiritual realm, the issues are the same. The spiritual heritage of an infant will still need to be sanctified, as it does with each of us. So the Lord asked us to let Him show us the Might of His Hand. 

Joshua and Benjamin had arrived at the orphanage in Magadan two and a half years before we brought them home. They had been taken away from their parents for neglect. When they arrived at the orphanage, they had never even seen a toothbrush. They had no idea how to sit at a table and eat a meal. You see, their parents allowed alcohol to control their lives. They were warned. They were given chances to mend their ways. But the Lord already knew that Sergey (Josh) and Oleg (Ben) would need a new family and had gone before them to prepare their new home in west Texas.  Their parents never even contacted them during the entire two and a half years before they left Russia.

As we were leaving the orphanage in Magadan, the director gave us insight into what to expect. Through our translator she told us that Josh was like Cinderella, hard-working and a 'pleaser.' Ben, on the other hand, thought he was The Prince. He believed he didn't have to do anything he didn't feel like doing. She was very insightful. And her assessment proved accurate.

Josh and Ben became Conders in August of 2004. After leaving Magadan, Siberia and returning to Moscow with them, an interesting thing happened. We were in a really nice hotel in downtown Moscow for a couple of days waiting to complete the embassy work. There we were with two little boys who the law said were our sons, but were total strangers to us. And they only spoke Russian. Kregg was having a grand time playing with them, but he was letting them do things we would never let our other five children do. As we talked about it, he realized that he had become so enthralled by the excitement of the "rescue" that he wasn't thinking beyond that moment. That helped because the boundaries were going to take a while to establish and the sooner we started, the better. Not to mention the fact that it wasn't good for the boys to learn one set of rules and then have to start over when we got home. 

Being the mom, the enormity of our task was definitely real to me and I was so very thankful the Lord had been crystal clear in His instructions to do this. I wanted to be as carefree as Kregg was those first few days, but I knew we had just set foot on the battlefield. 

When we came home, everyone was beyond excited to see the boys. We were met at the airport in two cities by large groups of people, all ready to welcome them to America. It was a precious thing to see my dad, a widower of less than a month, sitting on the floor in the middle of a terminal at DFW airport so that he would be at eye level with Josh and Ben. 

We were thankful for all the love and support. We were going to need it.

As we began to settle in to life as a family of nine, the boys needed constant supervision because there were so many things they just did not know or understand. There were many "near misses" with catastrophe, but the Lord kept the guardian angels close. 

It wasn't long before the battles began. They had never been taught any kind of moral standard. Nothing. So they did exactly what they wanted to do whenever they wanted to do it. We started from the beginning with short leashes, the same as we have with all our children. But, it makes a huge difference when you start from birth versus ages 6 and 7. 

Emotionally, it was so very hard. We had chosen to love them. But we didn't like them. I know that sounds horrible. And we felt horrible. We cried and prayed and prayed and cried. In many ways, it made it even harder because everyone on the "outside" only saw these adorable, cherubic faces and told us how wonderful we were, and how wonderful they were, and how wonderful everything was. But it wasn't wonderful. It was a deep, dark hole and we felt like we would never be able to climb out. 

I am sure there are adoptions where everyone and everything fits perfectly with no adjustments. But, I also know there are many families called to adopt for whom the experience is similar to ours. And it can be frightening to be in a situation where you have made this huge commitment and you reach the point where you can't even imagine surviving it. It can get to the point where the only thing you can do is put one foot in front of the other and remind yourself to breath in and breath out, and breath in and breath out. And since we homeschool, it was all day. Morning. Noon. Night. Every day.

I felt like I should be able to simply flip a switch and change my heart. I begged the Lord to help me. But everyday I would wake up and find myself no closer to liking my sons. I was a terrible mother. I was a terrible person.

But the Lord did not leave me there. 

He carried me through each day. And we continued to try to train them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord. There were years where it felt like we made no progress with their hearts. Still from the outside, everyone thought things looked perfect. We tried to talk about our struggles, but no one understood. Not really. I think they thought we were overreacting, or imagining things. But we knew the reality. 

The fact that the Lord had so specifically told us to adopt two little boys, combined with the fact that we had let Him pick them out, provided us with the only foundation we had to stand on during the storm. And it was unshakable. We knew this was the Lord's Plan. No matter how bad things became, we knew these were the boys we were supposed to have. 

And so we waited. And worked.

We waited for years for him to bring us to the place where it no longer felt like "pinching". 

I made so many mistakes during the process. I let my feelings control my actions at times. I was angry with them, sometimes for just being there. And yet the Lord Faithfully continued His work in all of us. 

Over the years, they learned what was right and what was wrong. They learned not to lie and deceive us. They learned to obey no matter how they felt about things. And they learned about a Loving Father and a Holy Spirit and a Blessed Savior. No matter how long we were called to sow these seeds, the Lord was responsible to bring forth the fruit in His Perfect Timing. He took their hearts of stone and changed them to hearts of flesh.  And in the process, he taught us so much about ourselves. And about walking in obedience when we see absolutely no "progress". 

Philippians 1:6

. . . being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.  

We didn't know if He would allow us to see the fruit, or whether He would ask us to simply walk in blind obedience without any outward proof of change for the duration. But in His Mercy, we have finally come to the place where we can truly say Josh and Ben are our beloved sons and we even like them a lot. He has accomplished so much. In all of us. And we praise Him for the gifts He has given. Now we can't really imagine our family without them. 

C. S. Lewis says, "We're not necessarily doubting that God will do the best for us; we are wondering how painful the best will turn out to be."  

I didn't want to tell you all this. But I just heard a tragic story of a family who were called to adopt and they are in the same situation we were in. Except they have now lost all hope. The father has fallen into depression. They feel completely alone. The evil one loves to isolate. They believe no one understands. They don't know what to do. 

Those heroic families who obey the Lord when He asks them to adopt need to know what we know: He is Faithful. He will see you through. He will sustain you. He knows how hard it is. He is pleased with your trust in Him. Even if the fruit is invisible, He is working. Those children are blessed to be in your home. They need you. They need to see you depending completely on Him. And you are not alone. We have come through to the other side. And it is worth everything it cost us. Over and over again, worth it. Hang on. Hang on to Him. Breathe in, breathe out. Pour out your heart to Him. He hangs on every word. None of your tears fall unnoticed. Unappreciated. You are offering yourself as a drink offering, poured completely out on the altar, being His Love to the very least of these. So your service is for Him. Thank you for stepping out in Faith.

As I hit this little button that says, "Publish Post", I tearfully offer this prayer: may these words only Glorify Him. May the evil one not be allowed to misconstrue or misinterpret any of them. May any who need to see my confession find encouragement in the fact that I am not able to do anything good, but through me He can change lives.