Bridges of Communication

A bridge we saw in Colorado

We are very blessed that our children discuss everything with us. When I hear of parents who don't really know what their children are involved in or who their friends are, it grieves me. Unfortunately, even among members of the Body of Christ this can be the case. Many parents have believed a destructive lie that says they should not "invade the privacy of their children." In believing that, they have not intentionally built bridges of communication into the souls of their children. Thinking instead that they should simply wait until the child initiates a conversation, many opportunities to impart wisdom and discernment are missed. Children, left to their own wisdom, often make unwise choices.

As parents, we should be the first ones they come to with all their hopes, dreams, hurts, and challenges. They should know they will always find a listening ear and a sympathetic heart. But they must know, too, that we will speak Truth into the situations in which they find themselves. When done lovingly and consistently, a strong foundation of trust is built between child and parent.  

Asking myself how this happened in our family, I really believe we are where we are now because we have always discussed "big ideas" with our children. We don't shield them from important or scary topics. Now a word about balance here. There are things that we know a child is not ready to deal with. Those are not the topics meant here. But in the natural course of living, there will be intersections of our lives with hard things. In those moments, an honest, open, and frank conversation suited to the child's level is appropriate. They want to know about what is happening. They want us to explain things to them. Even if those things are hard or unpleasant.

Another area which brings fruitful discussions is the area of character. When dealing with a need for discipline, the character or lack thereof should always figure into the discussion. When news events are discussed,for example, bring in a discussion of the character qualities seen or those missing. When matters affecting the family are discussed, include the kids when possible. It is much less scary for children when they understand what is going on, rather than being left to guess about the circumstances. Anything that affects our children has the potential for discussion. Obviously, your judgment as a parent must be used in discerning the child's maturation level. But when possible help them learn to think about big principles. Help them learn to discuss the different sides to an argument or disagreement. Give them the tools they will need to build wisdom into their hearts.

Children wonder about so much. And it can be tempting to divert their attention to other matters when they ask us about death, or divorce, or illness, or wars. Not talking about these things can actually make those situations more fearful. They may come to believe that "whatever it is is just too horrible to even say out loud."

When you talk to your child about big things outside themselves, and they are encouraged to ask questions and discuss them with you, it helps build a bridge of communication into their hearts. If all we ever talk about to them are wonderful, happy things they may not feel comfortable bringing something to you that is hard or ugly. What if a child finds himself in a situation where he has made a serious mistake? If the only things you have ever discussed with them are "butterflies and flowers", they may think it impossible to discuss something horrible with you. For them to know that they truly are able to discuss anything with you without it affecting your love for them, they need to see you discussing other hard things in a way that seeks wisdom and a positive solution or response. 

We talk openly about sin and about the enemy who seeks to destroy all of us. We explain how he deceives and tricks us. We discuss his schemes and how we fall for them. We tell them that they are either serving God or the enemy with their thoughts, words, and actions. They understand that the Lord desires their obedience, and when we sin it grieves His heart. When we, as parents, confess our sins and ask forgiveness when we have lost our temper or become impatient with our children, for example, we are modeling what their response to their own sin should be. If, however, we try to portray ourselves as "without fault" how will they ever come to us with their failings and sins?

We are so very thankful for what the Lord has built between us and our children. It is such an incredible blessing to know what struggles our kids are going through so that we can encourage them and pray effectively. It does hurt our hearts to see sin in their lives. But we are able to come alongside them and fight our common enemy together because they talk to us about these things. They need to see us as their greatest supporters, especially when things get ugly.

So talk to them. Encourage them to ask you anything. Anything at all. Practice "not reacting" when you hear something shocking. It doesn't foster confidence when my face reflects horror or disbelief. And pray. Always pray. Ask Him for wisdom in touching the deepest places of their hearts. Ask Him to show you how to build a bridge of communication between you and your children. Pray for discernment in your responses to their confessions or concerns. Reinforce at every opportunity the fact that your love for them is unconditional, not based on their performance, but based on the fact that God gave them to you forever and for always.