It's Too Heavy, Lord

You have probably heard someone say, "Be careful what you pray for." Why do we say that?

What if, instead, we prayed with reckless abandon? What if we just laid our lives before Him and said, "Here. Do with it whatever You desire."

No strings attached.


No qualifications. His Will, His Way, His Timing.

What would happen?

If we claim He has ownership over our lives, then isn't that how we have to pray? If He is in charge, we don't get to draw any boundaries for Him. We can't say, "You can have that whole section of my heart, my life, but don't come over here. This section is off limits."  But that is what we do. At least, I do. 

He is at work, though, growing my heart, giving me the Grace to want to learn to pray. I often drag my heels. My head still wants to qualify my prayers, make stipulations, hold back, add an exception here and there, "be careful what I pray for."

We're not necessarily doubting that God will do the best for us; we are wondering how painful the best will turn out to be.   

C. S. Lewis               

He is waiting for me to open my palm and hold my life up to Him in complete trust and surrender. I am learning, but it chafes. I am learning, but the steps are baby ones. I often take back what I had given.

We are part of a small church that started a few years ago as a "plant." He has placed Kregg and I in a position of service there. And He is using this context to expand our spirits. He is revealing much. There have been numerous lessons. Many are about waiting, many about kneeling, many about dependence, and many about what is really in my heart. In His Faithfulness, He is deepening and expanding my faith. He wants to bring me to the place where I really trust Him. With everything. All the time.

And so my prayers are changing. And as I am learning, I don't always recognize His answers to these prayers.

A few days ago, I prayed again for Him to break my heart with the things that break His Heart. 

And then, my spirit began feeling heavy and sad these past couple of days. I didn't connect the dots. Painfully slow to "see", I didn't recognize His answer to that prayer. 

There are so many on my heart right now, so many in such agonizing pain physically, spiritually, emotionally (and all the other -ly words you can list). Then there are all those who are walking in spiritual blindness, unaware of their need. As He gives me the precious opportunity to listen to the stories, the hearts, the hurts, my spirit grew heavy. It all seemed overwhelming.

He showed Himself Faithful to answer my prayer, to trust me to bear the burden of the things that break His Heart, but I didn't recognize or respond correctly. And I allowed that overwhelming sadness to engulf me, so that I wasn't walking in joy, and I allowed it to affect how I walked before my family. Thankfully, He is patient. When my eyes were opened to the true nature of my heavy spirit, the solution was instantly obvious: Prayer.

He knows I cannot carry the burden He laid on my spirit. That's not what He was asking of me. There was no Grace available to carry it, that's why I felt such a weight in my spirit. I was simply supposed to do battle in prayer. I was simply supposed to lift each one He brought to mind, or to my door, or into this strange little corner of the internet, up to Him, knowing He is the only One Able to heal. I have no answers or solutions. There is nothing that I, of myself, can offer each of these precious ones He sets before me. I am completely unable to minister to the brokenness. But, if I lay it all at His Feet, trusting in Him to accomplish His Purposes, then the words are there. The path is clear. The specific prescription for each individual is filled through His Spirit in me. I can offer Hope because He will point them to Himself when I am surrendered. It does not matter how many dozens and dozens and dozens He puts on "my list." Whatever He asks of us, He has already provided everything we need to accomplish it. It is the loaves and the fishes all over again. And with each miraculous example of Provision, my faith grows. I can take another tiny step toward maturity in my spirit through His Spirit. Amazing! 


Holy Father,

Some days are really hard here. There are so many in pain. So many who don't understand Truth. And the price they pay for that ignorance is staggering. They live under such oppressive deception, Lord. The evil one loves to tell them they can't get to You. And You wouldn't want them if they could. They believe his lie that says what they've done can't be forgiven. That they are beyond hope. Might as well quit trying. Doesn't matter anyway.

Many have been rejected by Your Body, treated like lepers by the very ones who should offer them hope, who should welcome them and love them and be used by You to mend up their brokenness. And so they think that's the way You feel about them, too.

Some of them have actually made it into a church, but haven't found You there. They meet with others who "believe", but in what? It's hard to tell. How can this be, Lord?

And then there are those who actually do walk amongst the Living but seem unable to absorb the Light. Unable to receive the victory You have won for them. They hear Truth, but it doesn't take root in their spirits, bearing no fruit in them. Nothing changes about their lives except the title "Christian." How can this be?

Father, what about those who have received Truth and welcomed a piece of it, but refuse to die? They may "look" Christian from the outside, but their hearts aren't fully Yours. They simply try to be good people. They are working hard to maintain a certain facade, but their children grow up and walk away from You or their families self destruct. Their lives begin to crumble, but they hide it, until it spins out of control implodes. And those around, who thought they knew them, scratch their heads and ask how this could have happened. It's not supposed to happen to people "like them."

Oh Loving Father, please open our eyes, unstop our ears, give us hearts of flesh so that we seek You fully, holding nothing back. Use us to Love those You Love. Help us trust only in Your Wisdom and Provision. Teach us, purify us, open our hearts to everything You have for us. Help our unbelief. Help my unbelief, Lord. I cannot do it. Any of it. And yet you provide opportunities, repeatedly, so that You may bring Glory to Yourself. And so we praise You. We bless Your Holy Name.

And as You draw us near again to the time when we celebrate His Death, the laying of His shell of dust in the tomb, and that glorious Day when He conquered our foe forever, may we die, Lord. May we die to anything, everything that would cause us to climb off that cold bed of death in the tomb of self. May we allow You to fill us with the power of the Resurrection. May we be Life to the world, the walking dead.

Through Your precious Son,
Amen