Even before the adoption, but definitely since then we have wondered if there will be "issues" that arise with Joshua and Benjamin concerning their biological parents. They seem to have no feelings about them. None. It just looks to us like they walked away from Russia and never looked back. Have they just adjusted that well, or are they not even aware of their own feelings? We occasionally ask them about memories and feelings, but they truly seem fine. Even though Josh is now 13 and Ben 12, it is more like they are about 8 and 9. So, is it just that we haven't hit the time for these issues to arise, or has the Lord already redeemed most of it? Or is this the lull before the storm?
We have struggled from the beginning, 6 years ago, with Josh's desire to have the approval of man. He has sought accolades, attention, and admiration from any group he was with. We have prayed and talked to him and imposed consequences for wrong choices. His desire to please has been so intense that he has chosen to do things he knew were wrong and even dangerous because he so desperately wanted to be liked. We have had to severely limit his exposure to peer groups because, in those situations, he would not make wise choices. He is extremely athletic and would be great at many sports, but his huge desire to be in the spot light has caused us to believe that would only make things worse. We have prayed and prayed.
His heart is changing, though, because the Lord is Faithful!
This morning, the Lord laid two things on my heart. First, He told me that the reason this issue is so deep-seated in Joshua's spirit is because he was thrown away by his birth parents.
They were warned that if they didn't quit getting drunk all the time, the boys would be taken away. Nothing changed. The authorities arrived and took the boys away. Their parents never came to see them, never even answered the letters sent to them by the officials, never did anything to improve their ability to take care of them.
It is like they were glad to be rid of them. I don't know that for certain, but I just don't know how else to interpret it.
Josh doesn't even realize what that did to him. He doesn't understand the gaping hole their treatment of him left in his spirit. As the first born, the effects on him are much more pronounced than on Ben.
Second, I believe the Lord would have Josh and Ben begin to pray for their biological parents on a daily basis. I believe the Lord will use this to heal the broken places in their spirits. The boys don't understand that they need to forgive them. But just making the choice to forgive is not enough. He is calling them to invest in the lives of their parents.
Bill Gothard told a story in his Institute in Basic Life Principles seminar years ago that has always stuck with me. I know I don't remember all the specifics exactly, but the principles are indelibly stamped in my brain.
He said there were two brothers living in an area of the world where the main crop was rice. These brothers had their field on a terraced slope on the side of a mountain. The terrain was such that the rice farmers had to cut these terraces and then build earthen dams around the perimeter of their fields to hold water. These fields are then irrigated by hand: the daily task of carrying buckets of water from the river up to cover their field.
These two brothers became Christians. While they were still new in their faith, they arrived at their rice field one morning to quite a shock. The neighbor whose field was just below theirs on the hillside had cut a hole in their earthen dam and drained all of their water onto his field. As Christians, they knew they were supposed to forgive him. So they made the conscious choice to forgive. They repaired the damage and painstakingly irrigated their field. It was a large job.
The next day, the same scene greeted them. The neighbor had, once again, drained all their water onto his field. Determined to honor the Lord, they forgave again and began the arduous task of repairing and re-irrigating their field. They had truly forgiven this man, but they knew they were also supposed to love him. They really didn't feel love for him and it troubled them.
Day Three. Same thing. By this time, they were truly distraught. They knew they had been obedient by choosing to forgive, but they also knew there was more. Something was missing.
They went to visit a very wise man in the village. After explaining their predicament, his answer surprised them. He told them to start their work the next morning by first irrigating their neighbor's field, then their own.
Somewhat incredulous, they decided it was worth a try.
The next morning, they faithfully started their day by beginning to irrigate the field of their "enemy." A surprising thing happened. The longer they worked, the lighter their hearts. In fact, without even trying to manipulate their feelings, love for this man began to grow.
They decided to try it again, so the following morning they set out to irrigate their neighbor's field and then their own. They found their hearts so full that they were singing. Love for this man continued to grow in them.
Day Three was filled with even more joy and love as they labored to bless this man who had wronged them. And, most surprising of all??
Their neighbor came up to them as they were working to irrigate his field that day. He was weeping as he asked them, "You are Christians, aren't you?"
Beyond their wildest imagination, they were allowed, in Love, to share the Gospel with him.
Moral of the story: When we voluntarily invest something of value in the life of the one who has wronged us, we will not only be able to forgive but also to truly love that person. And that sets us completely free!!!
We have not wanted to "stir anything up", but the Lord's Wisdom is always to clean out and remove anything that could "fester" in us. He doesn't want the boys to just be okay, He wants them to be victorious! His Ways are higher than my ways. Praise Him!!
So today, I explained to the boys how their spirits had been wounded and what the Lord wanted us to do about it. They were ready. They were receptive. There were tears and Josh said, "I was really attached to my parents." We talked about the consequences of their parents' wrong choices. And that God wanted so much for them to understand how much they were loved that He told us to travel three-quarters of the way around the world and bring them to Texas to become part of the Conder Clan. Miraculous!
I explained to them how satan wanted them to believe the lie that they were worthless, thrown away. And that they need to do battle in their spirits to counter his lies with the Truth. The truth that they are loved beyond measure by Him and by us. And that they are so special, the Lord went to extraordinary measures to help them know that.
What a Mighty God we serve! What wonderful things does He have for them to do? How will He use them to further the Kingdom?
How fun to anticipate the fruition of His Plan for them.
The pictures are of Josh on the left and Ben on the right shortly after they arrived from Magadan, Russia.
(A reprint while we continue our nomadic life this summer)
What about you? Tell us a story about His Faithfulness in your life. It can be old or new. It can be about you or your kids or your parents or grandparents. Anything that is part of your Heritage of Faith works! There are so many moments in our days where He shows Himself Faithful on our behalf. It doesn't have to be some huge, earth shattering thing. I have so many stories of "small" examples where He spoke just to me, or helped me in a way no one else was aware of, but it ALL displays His work in our lives. I would love to hear of His Hand in your life.
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