A Husband's Leadership

The rainbow set in the sky serves to remind us of His Faithful

I have learned a great deal over the years from some very godly women about the submission of wives to their husbands. And as the Spirit continues to deepen my understanding of this principle, I must confess, I have messed this up a lot during the last 26 years of marriage. Thankfully, my husband and Father are quite patient with me.


Today, I had one of those "light bulb" moments of clarity. As we continue on the path toward becoming more like Him, there are times when, in His great Mercy, He opens our eyes to new depths of Truth. 


It came while I was having a conversation with our oldest daughter. She has now been married two years to a wonderful young man, and they have a 6 week old son. We have talked often about how to walk in submission over those two years, because she really desires to honor her husband and his headship over their family. I have explained how much I didn't understand the blessing of submission for many years and she is learning from my mistakes, so she doesn't have to make them herself.


Confession time: I struggled for a long time with thinking I knew better than Kregg did in some areas of our lives. I desperately wanted him to be the spiritual leader in our marriage, but when it came right down to it, I didn't always trust him to lead. In his spirit, he sensed my rebellion to his authority and it caused him to doubt his own ability to be what he knew God wanted him to be. God designed my husband to be the head and covering over our family, providing leadership and protection in a way that only he could. But, because I didn't fully trust, he didn't fully step into his role.


Because of my disobedience to this principle, by not trusting fully, I prevented myself from receiving what I so desperately wanted. I was my own worst enemy. Isn't that often the case? I am the one preventing myself from receiving the fullness of His Blessings. I can blame others, "If he would just lead, I would follow." But my obedience cannot be contingent on the receipt of what I want. He asks us to trust Him to provide for us, without seeing that Provision ahead of time. He asks me to have Faith: "Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see." Hebrews 11:1


And so, like all other areas of my life it all boils down to this:

Do I trust Him, or don't I?

Do I believe He will do what He has promised, or do I believe I have to "take care of it myself?"

Isn't that what it boiled down to in the Garden in the Beginning of History? The evil one tempted Eve to question whether she could really trust her Father to give her the desires of her heart. She didn't trust His Hand of Provision, even though she had already witnessed the Faithfulness of Her Father over and over. The evil one did not cause Eve to sin. He simply revealed what was already in her heart: she didn't fully trust God.

I don't either. Not always. 

And, in His most loving Mercy, He allows us to try it our way, knowing the choice will be painful to us and to Him. Pain will come our way because we are outside the center of His Will. And pain will be inflicted on His Father Heart, which must once again suffer our rejection. 

Back to my submission to my husband. 

It never has been about submitting to Kregg. It has always and only ever been about my submission to Him. The submission in marriage is simply a reflection of a bigger Truth: my submission and complete trust in my God. In fact, I would go so far as to say that the submission of my spirit to my husband's position of authority and leadership is a pretty straightforward litmus test of the submission of my heart to God. 

(Now, before I go any farther, let me say this: I am not talking about abusive marriages. There comes a time when a wife should not submit. But, even in those situations, there can be in the heart of the wife an honor held for the position of "husband." When the one holding that position of authority uses that power to destroy, the Lord will give Grace to discern what His Will is for the wife. He will reveal if, when and how she should step out from under the authority of that abusive man, but it should never be in a spirit of rebellion.) 

To take things even deeper, today He showed me that the degree to which I submit things to my husband is directly reflected in how strong a leader my husband becomes for our family. Will I allow Him to lead me through Kregg? In everything? Will I submit decisions I would previously have made myself, for fear of not getting my way, to my husband and allow him to have headship in our home? Or will I continue to have areas where I am "in charge?" This doesn't mean I never make decisions. It does mean I am not making those decisions as one in authority, but as one to whom authority has been delegated, willingly holding it with an open palm before my husband and before my Father. What is the posture of my heart?

For years, I made many of the decisions concerning our children because I was the one home with them when the decision needed to be made. That is not necessarily bad, but I was operating as a "free agent" in my mind. The posture of my heart was not one of submission. I would justify it by thinking that Kregg had so much to do, I could just take most of the decisions regarding the kids off his list. After all, I was the one with them. I thought I knew them better than he did. But, do you see the trap I laid for myself? By taking authority that wasn't given to me by God, I prevented Kregg from becoming what God designed him to be: a father who is involved in every aspect of the lives of his children. 

Sometimes husbands would rather hand over part of their authority to us, which plays right into our natural tendency to usurp authority that isn't ours. The weight of responsibility can feel too heavy for them to bear and so it may be tempting for husbands to hand over aspects that are never to be delegated.  But if wives accept those things, we are actually interfering with the growth as a husband and father that God intends. We must allow the Lord to give us discernment so that we see what is properly delegated to us.

And then we must wait. And this is where I failed over and over again. If I swoop in and "take care of things" rather than waiting for my husband to engage, I am usurping his authority. The Lord will move our husbands to act on our behalf and for our children. It may not always be on my time table. We simply have to trust Him and wait. I didn't. Over and over, I just "took care of things."

But when the Lord showed me what I was doing and asked me to lay it all at His Feet, He was actually asking me if I trusted Him. And do you know what? When I finally died to it, He gave me exactly what I'd always wanted: a godly husband who is leading our family through the Wisdom he receives directly from God, and has been for years now.

Today, He showed me a new depth of this Truth:  the degree of my trust will be directly reflected in the strength of Kregg's leadership. If I truly trust God with every aspect of our family, He gives Kregg the Grace (the desire and power) to walk in the fullness of his calling as head and covering for our family. 

Once again, His Perfect Design is revealed in our lives and we are given the choice of whether to receive the blessings afforded us through complete obedience and trust. 

It's not a one time choice. You know that part we all love in His Word about taking up our cross and dying daily? It really does mean daily. I have to choose it each day. In fact, many days I have to choose it several times. But the Glory of His Blessings and Protection over our family far outweighs the pain I may suffer in having my will placed on the altar and slain again. My wonderful husband continues to grow in his role as head and covering over our family. We are so very blessed.

May we each walk in Grace (the power and desire to do His Will) to trust Him fully as we submit to the authorities He has placed over us. Daily. Hourly, if necessary. 

Linking With Encouraging Words Wednesday