Partner versus Helpmeet

I can tell you, this one will be hard for me to write.


I have been married a long time. It probably seems even longer to my sweet husband! Just this year, I believe I am finally coming to understand my role as a wife. (Kregg has been so patient with me.) Many of you already know what I am just learning and you will wonder what the big newsflash is for me. But, I truly did not know about this principle and it is changing everything. Praise Him!


My sister recommended a book that has completely redefined my job description. The book is called "Created to Be His Helpmeet" by Debi Pearl. Word of warning: it is not for the faint of heart.


I have long known things my job included: cooking, cleaning, children, etc. But I have mistakenly made these tasks my job. I have viewed tasks as the primary focus of my role as homemaker. I haven't understood His definition of my job. I have not understood the framework in which these tasks belong.


As a wife, my role is to be a helpmeet to my husband. Everything I do in my home is to be in that context, with that purpose. It may, at first, sound like a thin distinction, but it has brought about a paradigm shift in my life. The difference is between "doing" and "being".


We have always been hands-on, do-it-yourself types. We've taken on all kinds of projects from remodeling our whole house, to roofing it, to building furniture, to making clothes, to raising critters. You name it, we've probably tried it, or at least thought about trying it. We work well together. But, all these years, I have thought of myself more as a partner in our tasks than as his helpmeet.


I didn't really even know what "helpmeet" meant. I thought if I helped him do things and took care of all my jobs, that was being a good wife. When I read this book, I asked the Lord to reveal how to truly be the helpmeet Kregg needed. My heart was devastated by what He revealed to me. In His most loving Mercy, He showed me just how far removed my interpretation of "wife" had been from the Lord's blueprint for a wife.


The main issue was, as usual, the posture of my heart.


I've tried to make him happy; I've tried to take care of his needs and the needs of our children and home. But, when the Lord told me that my first priority in our home had not been to serve as Kregg's helpmeet, He had me. It had not been the motivation behind everything I did. OUCH!! He was stepping on all ten of my toes at once.


I have been guilty of thinking in my heart, at times, that I "knew better". I have second guessed things he said or did. I have been guilty, oh so many times, of feeling "interrupted" in the performance of my tasks to do something for Kregg. As a true helpmeet, my tasks have the potential to interrupt my service of my husband, NOT the other way around. When my heart focuses on seeking out ways to serve and please my husband as my top priority in our family, our home is a different place. When I stop what I am doing to serve him cheerfully, I am functioning as God designed me to function. It helps Kregg do his job better! It changes how he feels about his job. In honoring my husband the way the Lord intends, I am glorifying God. I am worshiping Him through my obedience. When my heart owns its true job, I am free.


Because I have been functioning outside God's design, I have not been filled with a level of joy that spills over onto everything I touch; not for a long time. I have become more and more "practical" over the years as a means of surviving, of keeping my head above water. My heart has felt discouraged thinking, "I can't be everything for everyone". In my own strength, the best I have been able to do lately is just get through the list. Make sure everything is taken care of for everyone.


On to the next thing . . .


Not enough hours in the day . . .


Shortest distance between two points . . .


Is that really enough? Am I not a daughter of the King? Surely there is more. Yes, there is more, but He had to let me come to the end of self; the end of my strength.

"Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me.
Get away with me and you'll recover your life.
I'll show you how to take a real rest.
Walk with me and work with me-
watch how I do it.
Learn the unforced rhythms of grace.
I won't lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you.
Keep company with me and you'll learn to live freely and lightly."
Matthew 11:28-30 (The Message)

Functioning fully within God's Design=living freely and lightly. It is not about my list, my tasks, my anything! It is all about what He made me to be; how He designed me to function. I have had the bit in my teeth for so long, trying to help "steer" our family's wagon, that I have a stiff, sore neck!! Guess what?? It is not my job to steer! It never was!! The Lord is the One that helps Kregg steer! Do you know how liberating that is? Do you know how liberating that is for my husband??!! How many of us, as dutiful wives, have circumvented the very desire of our hearts? I have wanted to help him lead instead of letting him lead. No wonder I have felt like I've been going in circles! No wonder I'm dizzy! (Don't say anything!!) I have been preventing the very thing I wanted!!! No wonder he has wanted to wring my neck, at times!


Does this principle only work if you are married to a perfect man? Kregg would tell you "no". (And, yes, he read my rough draft of this before I put it out for the world to see.) Because women are designed by God to be intuitive, it is very easy for us to become critical of others, especially our husbands. The Lord doesn't give me insight for the purpose of telling Kregg all about it. He gives me insight so I will know how best to pray; how best to serve those I'm called to serve. When I pray, the Lord has asked me to bless my husband, not complain about him or make suggestions for his improvement program. I am to lay all my expectations before the Lord and allow Him to take care of things. All of the things I think I am "due" as a wife, mother, etc., I am to lay at His feet; release them to the Lord. Then I joyfully serve. It's actually much easier than my former flawed job description!!


Now, even though I now know this, I am still learning to abide here. My husband is happier. He senses in his spirit that I am truly striving to stay under his authority in all my thoughts, words, and actions. The Lord is so Faithful to tell Kregg all the things I thought I was supposed to tell him. (Now, guess who he'd rather hear these things from? I'll give you a hint: NOT ME!) When I fully submit to Kregg's headship in our home, his heart is actually more tender and sensitive and appreciative toward me. The Lord affords me so much Grace and Protection by being under the authority He set over me. What a blessing to our children!


Lord, help me walk in the perfect center of your Will. Thank You that our daughters can learn this lesson so much earlier than I did. Help me embrace Your design more fully each day. Thank You for Your Spirit that indwells me and teaches me. Help me to hear You more quickly. Help me listen more intently. Help me revel in the joy of being Kregg's helpmeet.