Motherhood, From the Antbed

It is a good thing the price of motherhood is not payable up front. I think the sticker shock would have scared me off. Instead God, in his Wisdom, lets me pay on the installment plan. He knew that, once I was "hooked", I would gladly pay out the balance for the rest of my life.

As I go through each day watching these incredible bundles of eternal potential and promise bouncing around our home, I am often struck by the true nature of what I've signed up for. I had not even a glimmer of understanding as to what the job description included when I applied. I still wonder frequently if He hired the wrong person. That's because I know I cannot possibly mother all the kids the way I should.  But I also know He will accomplish His perfect will through me, if I let Him.

Every day is a revelation of what it means to "mother". At its best, mothering is utter selflessness. At its worst, my selfish nature is in complete control. I spend most of my time somewhere between the two ends of the spectrum, depending on how I'm doing with dying to self. If I hold all of my resources (time, energy, sleep, patience, etc.)with an open hand to the Lord, trusting Him to use them as He desires and replace them as He sees fit, then I walk in peace and joy and an anointing of sufficiency. If I close my hand and try to hold on to the things I think I need, then I am in a constant state of frustration and irritation. The key for me is knowing that He knows what I need and when I need it.

I was reading a passage written by Madame Guyon on spiritual dryness and she confirmed a lesson the Lord has taught me over the years. I used to be frustrated by my lack of time to spend alone with the Lord. But He showed me that as I serve and minister to my family through even the most mundane of tasks, He will serve and minister to me. I often find the most profound lessons taught me while washing the dishes or doing the laundry (again). He speaks to my spirit and tells me things He wants me to know. Sometimes the lesson is related to the something going on in my life at the time, sometimes it is completely unrelated. He will pour things into my spirit that it would have taken me hours and hours of study to learn "on my own". He blesses my service to my family and multiplies back to me the time that I would have spent searching out these truths in my "quiet time."

I truly believe this season of intense, daily mothering with little "study" time is when He blesses me with the most spiritual growth. I don't have to resent how this responsibility consumes every waking moment and prevents me from having large blocks of time for seeking Him. I am seeking and glorifying Him through cheerfully, wholeheartedly pouring myself out in this role of motherhood. He wants me to spend myself pouring Him into their souls. My days are cut into thousands of tiny little pieces as one child after another desires or requires my attention. Each is an opportunity for me to withdraw from His boundless reservoir the exact resource I need in the exact quantity required to accomplish His Work in that life at that moment. I am often amazed at how He speaks through me and the fruit His wisdom bears in the lives of those I am called to serve as mother. Now, to be completely honest, I am also horrified at what I sometimes see in my heart when I am operating in "my wisdom and resources." One would think that, after seeing what I have to offer, I would never ever use anything but His Wisdom. Sadly, that is not the case. I still struggle to respond as He wills 100% of the time. Thankfully, He keeps working on me as I work on them.

To have children is to be made vulnerable on entirely new levels. My heart can soar when I watch them imitate Christ, or I can be utterly devastated when they make choices that have destructive consequences. It is nothing short of miraculous to see His sanctification taking place as He redeems a serious character flaw or sin. Many times, as He is dealing with one of them, He is also dealing with me in the same area. I find that the issues my children deal with are many times present in my life, too. It may manifest itself differently, but the root cause is the same. In fact, there was a teaching given by a homeschooling leader that the Lord has repeatedly used in our home. She said the first thing I should do as a mother when my child displayed an attitude or action that was not godly was to examine myself. I am to ask the Lord if the issue I saw in their spirit was one He saw in me. If so, then I needed to repent first before I dealt with my child in that area. It changed the way I corrected and instructed them. When I humbled myself before the Lord first, my child received the message with more humility. They trusted me because they knew I was trusting Him. It changed the way I parented. Now, if I would just do this every single time instead of parenting out of my "flesh", we would all be better off. 


Even though I have already been at this for 23 years, I am learning new things every day. I realize more than ever how absolutely helpless I am to mold them into His Image. He has to be the One who does it through me and that only happens when I stay humble and open before Him. We have been blessed to have been able to "launch" one into the next season of her walk as an adult and He is greatly glorified through her. Our second one is waiting in the wings and her countdown has begun. We are seeing the initial stages of launch preparation beginning and eagerly anticipate what He will accomplish through her in the next season of her life. As I reflect on all the years that have gone into this, all the times I have completely messed things up and how He Faithfully redeems it all, I must say, "Glory to God in the Highest." It gives me confidence to keep traveling (sometimes plodding) down this path of motherhood. After all, we still have six more to "launch". EEEEEKKKK!