Letting Him Go

This time of anticipation and preparation before Caleb leaves for his first month in Africa has been interesting. Interesting in how it has been processed in my heart. 

We have slowly taken care of the things on the list: immunizations, prescriptions, purchases. As his departure has drawn closer, however, the depth of "the leaving" is coming into focus.


People keep asking me about letting him go--for a month, even though there is some unrest there, traveling alone. And I keep answering with the Truth, that God has been preparing him, and us, for this "leave-taking" since before he was born. 

The original plan was for Caleb's middle name to be Alan, Kregg's middle name. But then a different name was spoken to us. And we just knew his middle name was supposed to be Christopher: "bearing Christ."


And then when he was 5, I think, he came in to the kitchen one day and told me that he believed the Lord would call him to be a missionary and that he would probably die in China. 

Nothing like a little casual conversation with your five year old, right?


The only way we can freely allow our children to serve the Lord, no matter where He takes them and what He asks of them, is for us to truly believe that each moment we have with them is a gift. Each sacred moment is a gift from the Father to us. He is merely sharing them with us for a season. But they belong to Him.  They always have. 

We have to live in that reality to be able to let them go when He asks. 

It's just a month. It's not a big deal. Lots of people make mission-trips-to-Africa-or-Thailand-or-wherever. Mission trips are a wonderful way to see how others live and to help us pray better and be more grateful for our blessings. People come back from one of these trips and then most of them continue down the path they were on before they left. Their trips impact them, leaving a mark in their spirits. But for most people, these trips are simply a "pause" before hitting "play" again. But most people do come home.

Caleb's Knighting Ceremony

It's different with him.

I see it in his eyes. Those eyes that reflect his heart. That heart that reflects His Father. And I know what it means. And so does he. And that knowledge has made him even more tender-hearted toward each of us. He lingers longer. He makes use of every little opportunity to sit with me and talk, or with Kregg. He is investing heavily in his relationships with his siblings. As I write this, he is driving the two hours it takes to see his oldest sister, due with our first grandchild while he is away, just to see her before he leaves. He will only be there this one night. But, he knows things are changing. This precious season of time with him "all here" is almost over. A new season is beginning.

Yes, he will be back for the rest of the summer before he leaves to begin his course work in a Vocational Missions degree. But, we know that is simply the training for what he believes will be a life devoted to sharing the Gospel in the far corners of the world. 

And that's why this is such a poignant time for us. 

And that is why I want to savor each second this week. 

And that is why my heart is sore.

Caleb has been preparing my heart little by little with a comment here and there. He says things like he may never be called to marry. Or if he is, his family may look very different because of where the Lord may have him living. He talks about the money he has earned and what it is for. He has been giving things up. Things he worked hard for and bought, but are no longer important. There was a "pedal" for his guitar that he wanted. Badly. When he won an essay contest recently, Kregg said he could use part of the money to finally buy it. But Caleb said he thinks he probably should just pass on it. He knows. He understands what the Lord is asking. He understands he is being asked to lay it all down. Everything. And he is filled with such Joy. He is so Free. 

We all know that things will never be quite the same with our precious Caleb again. That is not to say we dread the future. That is not to say the Lord won't bear even more fruit in him and through him, in us. But it is simply the bittersweet ending of a season. And it is a good thing to intentionally mark the change.

And we praise Him who has trusted us with such a precious son. And we thank Him that Caleb is all in. For whatever the Lord asks, he is saying "yes." 


And we marvel at what the Lord has done.    

5 Minute Friday: Motherhood Should Come With . . .

Motherhood should come with a Kevlar vest. There is not another job on the planet that makes one more vulnerable. Mothers have to be able to die over and over again, watching their children become adults. We cry and pray and laugh and hope and question, at times, God's choice to give us "free will." Wouldn't it have been much easier and safer to just preprogram them to choose Him? To choose Love, Joy, Peace, Patience, Kindness, Goodness, Faith, etc.? 


But where would the Glory be in that? 


It is when, though they hate it with every fiber of their being, that they crawl up on the altar and die to self, choosing to live for Him, the victory shout screams out in that mother-heart who has longed for it since before their birth, that Glory bursts forth and we worship. We worship One Who IS Able to bring to Completion that which He began in us. One who relentlessly pursues them as we stand by and cheer. 


And so motherhood should come with a Kevlar vest because our hearts take so many "hits" in this journey of mothering these precious eternal beings.

"Parenting is having your heart walk around outside your body." 

"I have no greater JOY than to hear that my children are walking in the Truth!"


Writing for just 5 minutes really challenges this tired old momma's brain. It's hard not to go back and rewrite. But it is also fun to see what can be squeezed out of this sleep-deprived, weary-to-the-bone cranium today. There are many of us who look forward to this weekly challenge. And you can find them here:

Seeking Peace

Our youngest, who shall remain nameless to protect her identity, has a unique personality. Yes, I know. They are each unique and special and gifted in specific ways. But this one? She is uniquely unique. And always has been. She and our #2 daughter, also nameless for protection, are similar in many ways. And I find it an amazing "coincidence" to have two of this model: uniquely unique. 

Back to youngest anonymous child:

She is very bright. 

She is extraordinarily creative. 

She is also sensitive to the extreme. 

She notices everything. All the time. To the point of distraction. Case in point:

 

Notice anything odd about our school table? Like the giant box in the middle of it? Any guesses who sits on this side of that box that I put there yesterday? Youngest son, Ben (whose identity doesn't need to be protected because he is completely innocent in this situation) sits opposite her. And he drives her nuts. Ben is rarely still or silent. Just being a boy, no big deal. But it drives someone else crazy. So in a moment of clarity, I thought about a visual barrier. "Out of sight helps him be out of mind." It has really helped. It's ugly. But I don't care. 

Well, today things just piled on until they overflowed. She had a kind of meltdown and was being snippy and impatient with everyone. I called her to me where I could talk to her quietly, hoping to soothe her spirit. I told her that she needed to ask the Lord for Peace. Well, that opened the floodgates. I think she finally recognized the root cause of her attitude and she was overwhelmed with emotion. 

Several months ago, I had read about Ann Voskamp's Peace Retreat. It was such a wise and precious idea, I knew we needed one. Especially for her. And I have encouraged her to use it several times. But she was adamantly opposed. Interesting reaction. You see, she knows. She understands the roots of things to an extraordinary degree. So does her big sister. And they feel things so extremely that they must sometimes fight to continue to be able to breathe. There are times, when the pain is so intense, they shut down. Other times, they lash out. All in an attempt, in their strength and wisdom, to cope with their gift.

This gift is a hard one to bear. It costs a great deal. You see, the capacity for the Spirit in these two is mind-boggling to me. We have always jokingly tried to explain it to people as being wired 220V in a 110V world. He has gifted them with such an incredible ability to discern spiritual things that they actually feel, excruciatingly, the pain of others, the pain of the world in which they live. And the price they pay to walk in their gifting is high. They must learn to allow Him to temper their hearts or it can crush them. They must stay at His Feet, turning the burden constantly over to Him. He Faithfully supplies the Grace for them to carry it and breathe Life into the hurts of others. But they must choose it. Constantly choose it.

When they try to carry it on their own, it ends in a train wreck. They can't do it. They cannot carry it. And so they react. As parents, we have to understand the real cause and point them back to Him. If you have never met anyone so gifted, this may sound nuts. If you know someone like them, however, you know of what I speak. It can be so hard to watch. 

So today when youngest was overwhelmed with the drought, the devastation of the tornadoes in Alabama, the pain of someone she loves dearly, and then the added "irritation" of a brother making noises, she boiled over. And when I talked to her about Peace, she started weeping. "I just don't have any Peace! I just don't have any Peace!"

I walked her quietly to this little corner of my room and reminded her why it was there. She welcomed it, finally understanding that to have Peace she must seek Him. He is the only Source. She wept loudly for a while in anger and I went back in to encourage her to cry out to Him. I told her she could spend as much time as she needed and I quietly closed the door and went back to the schoolwork with the other three. 

It became quiet. And I grew Hopeful. 

I haven't always done this well. I have often become impatient and lost my temper. Which only throws fuel on the fire of those wired this way. But the Spirit is so very Faithful to teach each of us when our hearts are open, seeking.

I left her alone for quite a while before going back in to check on her. When I poked my head in the door. She was lying on the couch in my room reading a book from the basket. The basket has Bibles, and books of prayers, and journals to write in. She had chosen this:

Perfect!

This little gem is my favorite Bible Storybook ever. She read a large part of it and even ate her lunch in my room to read more. And she met Him there. And He washed over her and filled her with Peace, with Himself. 

And, in the end, isn't that the only thing we can ever do in this job of mothering? To point them to Him, always to Him.

Psalm 35:16

"Come, my children, listen to me: I will teach you the fear of the Lord."

 

From Me to You

I just have to stop a moment and tell you all how much I appreciate each of you. Your sweet encouragement means more than you can possibly know. He uses your kind words to minister to my heart. 

I sometimes wrestle with this Antbed, wondering why I am here, and why on earth you would be here with me. And then He uses you to touch the specific place in my heart that needed His Touch. And I praise Him. Or you tell me that the words here touched a place in your heart, and I PRAISE HIM because it is only He Who is Able. 

You pray for me. You make me laugh. And you show me His Love.

So from the deepest recesses of this broken, patched-together, broken-again heart, I thank you. 

And I thank Him for you. 

He receives much Glory when the Body functions as He desires.

And I pray He may be Glorified through the thoughts, words, and actions of every single one of us.

A Prayer Tool

I need help remembering things. A lot!

And when there are many people I am praying for, I have trouble remembering everything.  When someone asks me to pray for them, I really do intend to be faithful to to it. But there are times it just slips out of my mind. Teflon Brain Syndrome affects more than children.

So, I have a notebook. 

I have been using it for several months now and it really helps. It is just a three ring binder with dividers. Kregg and I are a shepherding couple at our church and the Lord had put it on our hearts to pray for each family every week. So we printed out the family members on a page and then we can jot down specific prayer needs as we become aware of them for that family. It also helps to simply write notes to remind me what that family has going on at the time. By writing dates beside each note, I can make sure I am checking in with people on a regular basis. The pages are divided into sections for each day of the week. So on Mondays, we pray for a specific group of families. On Tuesday, we pray for the next group, etc.

Family things can be organized in the same way, or prayers for the larger Body of Christ, our nation, etc.

I am sure many of you have systems that work well. Just thought I would throw this into the mix in case it might be helpful for anyone.

Beyond Us

"To admit that there is One who lies beyond us, who exists outside of all our categories, who will not be dismissed with a name, who will not appear before the bar of our reason, nor submit to our curious inquiries:  this requires a great deal of humility, more than most of us possess, so we save face by thinking God down to our level, or at least down to where we can manage Him. Yet how He eludes us! For He is everywhere while He is nowhere, for "where" has to do with matter and space, God is independent of both. He is unaffected by time or motion, is wholly self-dependent and owes nothing to the worlds His hands have made."          

A. W. Tozer, The Knowledge of the Holy

Understanding Your Enemy

Photo credit

As parents, we have come up against one specific thing several times:

The evil one tries to convince our children that "correction and instruction" is "condemnation and judgment."

He whispers to them that "you aren't good enough for Mom and Dad. You can never please them." He tries to tell them they are being wrongly accused and misunderstood. This is a deception that must be actively and wisely confronted. 

Parents, we must understand our enemy. 

We must help our children understand their enemy. And it is NOT us. But that is what he will whisper to them.


If our children are not properly submitted to our authority, as unto the Lord, then they are opening themselves up to this trap of the evil one. It can be displayed with argumentative attitudes questioning our authority. In younger children, this may simply be a desire to understand the parameters of the child/parent relationship. The Spirit will help us discern the motivation of their hearts. But some children, even at a very young age, will directly challenge our authority, not as a means to understand, but testing us to see if we really mean what we say; testing us to see if they can win the battle of wills.



Through the Spirit, we must help our children understand from a very young age that if they disobey us, they are disobeying God. He has placed them under our authority to learn to be under His authority. When they are properly submitted to His Authority, directly or delegated through us, they are afforded protection from many of the attacks and schemes of the enemy. But when they bow their backs and refuse to submit, then they are removing themselves from under that protective covering, opening themselves to spiritual attack and deception. 


Out from under authority, the enemy has an easy time convincing them of his lies. And as they listen to what they want to hear (a message that affirms their wrong choices) they open themselves to a larger web of deceit. The Spirit causes their spirit to feel guilt, as a means to move them to conviction and confession for the purpose of reconciliation. If they refuse to receive that godly conviction of sin, then they must balance the guilt with blame. This is where we can become "the enemy." In direct proportion to the amount of guilt they are feeling in their spirit, without repentance, they will dish out an equal load of blame to balance the scale. When we understand this principle, we recognize the blame they direct toward us is to balance the guilt they are feeling from the Spirit. This helps us to pray more effectively.



We must arm ourselves with the Truth and constantly speak it in Love. We must pray for the Lord to teach them to desire Truth in the innermost places of their spirit. We must do battle in the spiritual realm against the lies of the enemy. We must pray for the eyes of their hearts to be open, that they will understand the true consequences of their choices. This battle cannot begin soon enough. Our children are never too young for us to engage in it. The evil one will try to lull us into a false sense of security or even denial that our precious children are capable of such open disobedience. And if we fall for it, we are right where he wants us. 


It really does come down to understanding that our fallen nature is capable of every sin known to man. If we don't really believe that we can fall into any sin, we are not appropriately engaged. And if we don't believe our children can be enticed to commit any sin, then we will not be properly motivated to provide prayer covering for them. We must be on the alert all the time. We must recognize the warning signs of the deceptions trying to take hold of them. 


He is Faithful to give us wisdom to parent these children entrusted to our care. But we must avail ourselves of that wisdom. Our "wisdom" is not enough, will never be enough. Our enemy is deceitful above all things. We must be armed with the Spirit. And we must boldly do battle for our children, always speaking the Truth in Love for the purpose of restoration.

His Mercies Are New Every Morning

After such a "brown day" yesterday, what a blessing to see this glorious sky this morning! His Mercies are new this morning! The air is cold and crisp and free of dust.

The dirt was blowing so much yesterday that visibility was greatly decreased. What a difference a day makes! But yesterday makes us appreciate today even more!

The Gratitude List: May 2

Additions to my Gratitude List for this week: 

1397. Lots of manly helpers to work on a yard project with Kregg

1396. This machine that saved my husband's back

1395.  The first horned toad of the season-it's okay, it's just sleeping

1394. The fun of surprising the kids with bunnies! 

1393. The testimony Caleb gave this morning about what the Lord is
         doing in his life
1392. A dove singing its heart out atop my chimney
1391. The kids taking care of the watering for me today
1390. My wise son reminding me to lay down my expectations
1389. The music of John Kraemer that washes over my heart
1388. The testimony of this godly man who, even in his 80's, is chasing 
         after God and seeking to stir up His Body to be salt and light

1387. A visit by Gary Tate with Mackenzy, to inform her of his involvement
         in the fight against human trafficking
1386. A sweet talk with youngest about her tendency to be stubborn at 
         heart--followed by true understanding and repentence
1385. The Hope He gives that he will continue to pursue the hearts of our  
        children

1384. The director of Opportunity Camp coming to support Caleb at the Awards
         Luncheon and their attempt to pose with a "be strong" face

1383. Watching Caleb receive his award for his essay on service  
1382. Kregg's refusal to accept my letter of resignation as mother (yes, it was 
         one of THOSE days)
1381. Joshua's precious letters this week
1380. My next breath

1379. The email he sent of these precious children who were rescued

1378. The ministry of Gary Tate and his passion, even in his late 80's for the
         work God has for him
1377. The wisdom of the midwife Hannah and Jeremiah are using
1376. Finding out that Hannah is okay--there was a little scare about  
         premature labor--Thank You, Lord
1375. Kregg faithfully taking the boys to Scouts every Monday
1374. Rebekah and I being so silly trying to pick out my new glasses

1373. Mackenzy was certified as a Coffee Master! The only one, at present, in  
         their district.


The rest of my list is here.

Hope Does Spring Eternal

Our area is in a critical drought. We have only had .11 inches of rain since September. Our water sources are running dry. And still the weather patterns offer no relief. Our mayor declared a day of prayer for rain and we continue daily to ask for the Lord's Mercy and healing rains. Instead, the wind and dirt blow.

It can be hard living in a place so prone to dry spells. It affects your spirit when everywhere you look is just another shade of brown, even our enormous Texas sky. And so we pray. And we ask Him why He is withholding His rains? Have we offended? Lord, please reveal Yourself and Your Purpose.

The wind howls, the dirt blows. It sifts into everything, covering the window sills even with the windows tightly shut. The fires spark with the tiniest provocation and then the winds sweep them across the tinder ready landscape. Almost 2 million acres have burned this season. The firefighters are weary. People are nervous.

Lord, help us. Please.


And in the midst of the dryness, Hope still burns. We look for it in the beauty of His Creation.

We see it in the beautiful flowers we try to keep alive . It may seem silly. But those bright, smiling faces bring such joy in a sea of brown. 

When the smell of smoke wafts through the air and you don't know where it is coming from this time, these little symbols of a Mighty God's Creativity and Love bravely wave their little faces, reminding us to continue to trust in His Provision, to continue to recognize our utter dependence on Him, to continue to humble ourselves before Him and ask Him to show us if this is about discipline or is it simply about waiting before Him.