Letting Him Go

This time of anticipation and preparation before Caleb leaves for his first month in Africa has been interesting. Interesting in how it has been processed in my heart. 

We have slowly taken care of the things on the list: immunizations, prescriptions, purchases. As his departure has drawn closer, however, the depth of "the leaving" is coming into focus.


People keep asking me about letting him go--for a month, even though there is some unrest there, traveling alone. And I keep answering with the Truth, that God has been preparing him, and us, for this "leave-taking" since before he was born. 

The original plan was for Caleb's middle name to be Alan, Kregg's middle name. But then a different name was spoken to us. And we just knew his middle name was supposed to be Christopher: "bearing Christ."


And then when he was 5, I think, he came in to the kitchen one day and told me that he believed the Lord would call him to be a missionary and that he would probably die in China. 

Nothing like a little casual conversation with your five year old, right?


The only way we can freely allow our children to serve the Lord, no matter where He takes them and what He asks of them, is for us to truly believe that each moment we have with them is a gift. Each sacred moment is a gift from the Father to us. He is merely sharing them with us for a season. But they belong to Him.  They always have. 

We have to live in that reality to be able to let them go when He asks. 

It's just a month. It's not a big deal. Lots of people make mission-trips-to-Africa-or-Thailand-or-wherever. Mission trips are a wonderful way to see how others live and to help us pray better and be more grateful for our blessings. People come back from one of these trips and then most of them continue down the path they were on before they left. Their trips impact them, leaving a mark in their spirits. But for most people, these trips are simply a "pause" before hitting "play" again. But most people do come home.

Caleb's Knighting Ceremony

It's different with him.

I see it in his eyes. Those eyes that reflect his heart. That heart that reflects His Father. And I know what it means. And so does he. And that knowledge has made him even more tender-hearted toward each of us. He lingers longer. He makes use of every little opportunity to sit with me and talk, or with Kregg. He is investing heavily in his relationships with his siblings. As I write this, he is driving the two hours it takes to see his oldest sister, due with our first grandchild while he is away, just to see her before he leaves. He will only be there this one night. But, he knows things are changing. This precious season of time with him "all here" is almost over. A new season is beginning.

Yes, he will be back for the rest of the summer before he leaves to begin his course work in a Vocational Missions degree. But, we know that is simply the training for what he believes will be a life devoted to sharing the Gospel in the far corners of the world. 

And that's why this is such a poignant time for us. 

And that is why I want to savor each second this week. 

And that is why my heart is sore.

Caleb has been preparing my heart little by little with a comment here and there. He says things like he may never be called to marry. Or if he is, his family may look very different because of where the Lord may have him living. He talks about the money he has earned and what it is for. He has been giving things up. Things he worked hard for and bought, but are no longer important. There was a "pedal" for his guitar that he wanted. Badly. When he won an essay contest recently, Kregg said he could use part of the money to finally buy it. But Caleb said he thinks he probably should just pass on it. He knows. He understands what the Lord is asking. He understands he is being asked to lay it all down. Everything. And he is filled with such Joy. He is so Free. 

We all know that things will never be quite the same with our precious Caleb again. That is not to say we dread the future. That is not to say the Lord won't bear even more fruit in him and through him, in us. But it is simply the bittersweet ending of a season. And it is a good thing to intentionally mark the change.

And we praise Him who has trusted us with such a precious son. And we thank Him that Caleb is all in. For whatever the Lord asks, he is saying "yes." 


And we marvel at what the Lord has done.