Permission to Parent

Our "guinea pig"--the day we brought her home from the hospital

I remember when we were rookie parents. We didn't have a clue. About anything! I think that is why the Lord gave us a very "strong" child right out of the gate. And I am very thankful He did. She served as our guinea pig so we could test all our new skills and theories concerning parenting. I am also thankful He put people in our path to help us learn to be parents. We really did not understand what to expect from our children.

Recently we have been reminded that many young parents do not have mentoring relationships and so I felt it might be helpful to hear some of the lessons we learned from those "down the road" ahead of us all those years ago. So all of you veteran parents out there can just skip this post. Or better yet, add in anything I leave out in the comments section. Because we still don't know it all (and never will).

The four areas listed here are each essential to successfully training our children up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord.

Obedience
Doesn't it just break your heart to be in the grocery store and hear a child defying a parent. I often begin praying right then and there for that poor, frazzled parent. Many of them have probably never been told that they should expect their child to obey them. 

The standard for obedience should be: instant, complete, and cheerful. 

Our children are able to understand what is required of them from a very early age. And as soon as they can understand, even before many of them become verbal, they should be expected to begin learning to obey. This is so foundational for everything that follows, that it deserves your focused attention. During this season of parenting, everything else needs to stop when disobedience occurs. And when you consistently give it your undivided attention, your child learns that this is important. The more diligent we are about their training, the more quickly they learn. And, as with all child training, you want to teach them from the beginning that the standards you are asking them to live by are from the Lord, not from you. They need to understand that you are required by the Lord to train and discipline them. It is not just you being "mean."

Respect
From the beginning, you need to help your child understand that you are to be respected, honored, because that is what the Lord expects. This includes showing you respect in their voice, their actions and their countenance. They should not be allowed to speak to you with a "sassy" tone or look at you with any defiance in their eyes. Many parents struggle with this because they believe if the child "did what they were told", then that is enough. But if that seed of disrespect is left unaddressed, it will grow. And the child knows when their heart is not submitted to your authority. They really do want you to require more of them. Because their hearts will not be filled with peace if they know they are not honoring you the way they should.

Help
You should train your children from the time they are very young to be helpers. Anything they are able to do, they should help do. When you treat it in a matter-of-fact way, they don't know they are being "abused". If children are trained from the beginning to participate in the family responsibilities, it gives them a sense of ownership. They should, for example, put away their toys, help fold laundry, assist with the dishes, feed the animals. Selfish children are unhappy children. They may not really understand the connection between a servant's spirit and a joyful heart initially. But they will as they grow older. And when you praise their godly character, they receive external and internal reinforcement.

Attitude 
We should expect our children to have a cheerful heart. Some young ones are more prone than others to sulking and pouting. Many children quickly learn they can manipulate their parents through "acting out", especially in public. When parents allow this, they are actually handing control over to their children.  The parent must not be afraid of upsetting their child. Too often, it embarrasses a parent when a child misbehaves in public and so they try to appease the child to make them stop. This plays right into the hands of the child. On the other hand, when a child understands that the parent will not tolerate this behavior, that they will immediately remove the child from the "audience" and deal with the misbehavior, they quickly learn to behave in public. Even young children can learn that they do not have to allow their feelings to control their actions. (A lesson many adults would do well to learn.)

One resource I wish I had had when we were starting out is a delightful little book by Ginger Plowman. She does an excellent job of explaining the process of child training with a wonderful sense of humor thrown in as a bonus. The book is called Don't Make Me Count to Three. (I have provided this link to my favorite place to purchase this book. But it is simply for your convenience. I'm not an associate or affiliate, or whatever it is called. I just really think it is a great book.) I have even been known to give this book as a baby gift to new moms. It's that good.

I hope this helps. It helped me when my mentors taught me these things. Sometimes, in the world in which we live, parents need to be given permission to be the parent. 

So . . .

Now Hear This:

You are the parent. They are children!! Be the parent! It's your job, given you by the Lord. When He gave you your child, He trusted you to do the job. Do not let anything or anyone convince you otherwise. Everything you need to do an excellent job IS AVAILABLE TO YOU RIGHT NOW. Through Him! Ask Him for what you need. Pour out your heart in prayer. None of us can do this job without Him. It's hard work, but the fruit of your labors will ripple out into eternity for generations to come. 


How's that for a "perspective check?"

Okay, I'm done for now. (stepping off my soapbox)