Lack of Effort or Lack of Ability?

A childish, yet valiant attempt at constructing a coil pot

I need Wisdom. 


It would be nice if we could use a diagnostic computer, like they use on cars, hook the kids up to it, and figure out what was wrong, why things aren't "running" well. But, then we wouldn't have to humble ourselves before the Father and ask for help. And, as a parent, that's the very best place to be.


We try very hard around here to focus on root causes in the heart, not outward manifestations. 


Our specific area of need right at this moment, the area that has me asking Him for Help is this: I need Wisdom in order to discern whether two frustrated young scholars in our homeschool are actually unable or unwilling to do their work. Are they doing their best, but are simply incapable of processing some information? Or are they, because of a lack of motivation or interest, allowing their minds to wander? Or worse yet, not engaging their minds?


We don't know what Josh and Ben went through during their first several years. We know it was tragic, though. Members of their extended family are the ones who turned their parents in to the Russian government for neglecting their two little boys. They suffered rickets and were malnourished when we brought them home. Their parents were severe alcoholics, and though the boys show no outward signs of Fetal Alcohol Syndrome, there are quite possibly effects that cause them problems. 


Beyond the physical health issues, the fact that their birth parents were drunk most of the time means the boys received little, if any, mental stimulation. I wonder if they ever had a book read to them by their parents. Did they take them to a park? Did they tell them stories? Did they explain things to them? Even in their native language, their vocabulary was minuscule. 


None of those things were their faults. They truly were completely defenseless, at the mercy of parents whose lives were bound up in a bottle of vodka--to the point that, when the government workers came and took Oleg and Sergey away, those parents never again contacted their little boys. They never answered government correspondence concerning the fate of their children. They never wrote to them. They never traveled to see them. After two years in the orphanage, they had made no progress toward finding help and their parental rights were terminated.


All of those things have lasting consequences that affect them still.


But that doesn't mean we simply accept their delays and challenges as unchangeable. When we find the right motivation, it's amazing how much better their brains function. (snicker, snicker) When they know they won't get to go to Boy Scouts, or get their "roping rope" back, their work suddenly improves. Which speaks volumes.


But there are those days when things just do not make sense, no matter what we do. There are those days when, no matter how it is explained to them, a concept just doesn't register. There are times when I cannot come up with a single, additional way to explain something that causes "the light" to come on.


The line between lack of effort and lack of ability is often blurry. Wisdom is required. 


And not just for Josh and Ben. For all of them. In fact, one of our older children was very challenged in school work. Understanding that physical age and learning level are not the same for everyone is essential. And I have to continue to remind myself that, even though the boys are almost 14 and 15, their developmental age was derailed for several years while they were in Russia. 


Our expectations for our children need to be high. They need to be challenging. We need to encourage them to work hard and achieve what they thought impossible. Mediocrity is never a blessing. But neither is perfectionism. Finding the balance between effort and ability encourages the kids to do their best, without discouraging them with unrealistic expectations.


We want our children to be prepared for everything the Lord calls them to be and do. By striving for excellence in effort and performance, they are challenged to stretch beyond what is easy. They don't respect themselves when they know their effort is less than it should be, and we aren't doing them any favors to accept less. Whatever they are capable of doing for His Glory, we desire for them to do with excellence.


But Wisdom is required to see the balance.

An Introvert Living in a House Full of People! A Link-Up in "Pages in Our Heritage of Faith"

A friend asked me an interesting question not long ago. He didn't believe me when I told him I was an introvert, so he asked me if it "recharges" me to be around a group of people, or if I "recharge" by being alone. I told him it was most definitely and unequivocally when I am ALONE! 


But that almost never happens!


My sweet husband has, several times over the years, said he would love for me to have a "break." (Those comments are usually forthcoming when he gazes into my eyes and notices that I'm "glazing" over.) Brainstorming for ways that a "mom's time-out" could be accomplished, he would dream up several different options, all of which involved me going somewhere, often times with a friend/sister, to "do" something fun.


I told him that what sounds blissful to me is simply to check into a room in a hotel here, in town, for a couple of days. I could stay up as long as I wanted, sleep until I woke up, and take the stack of books I'm reading at the moment. Now, that's what I call a "break!"


Hasn't happened yet. It's not because he wouldn't let me, it's just that I haven't felt like the timing was right. Yet.


Hope does spring eternal. After all, I'm only 24 1/2 years into this journey of motherhood. 


It could still happen.


You just never know.


In the meantime, this introvert will continue living in the "antbed," learning to trust His Grace when my batteries need to be recharged, even in the midst of the mob. 


And He does always recharge me.


Today was a perfect example. 


Our homeschool is intense. Very. Intense. 


Today, I wanted to run away. I had a stack of math, spelling, grammar, Greek & Latin, and dictation papers to check, the boys needed me to help review their rough drafts in composition, the girls needed me to help them check their final copies of an essay, and I felt my spirit tensing up. The thought went through my mind, "Just tell them to go do their reading and you can go hide for a little while in your bedroom." 


There are times when that is actually a wise choice. 


This wasn't one of them. 


This was a time to not leave a single thing out, not using any excuses from the "emotional duress" category, but allowing His Grace to flow over and through me. 


That's not always what I choose. I sometimes choose what I want instead of what He wants. I sometimes give myself excuses to not do what is best because it's hard. 


It was precious, though, because Grace (the power and the desire to do His Will) allowed me to choose Peace, and to go through every assignment with each child, just the way it needed to happen. For them and for me. They needed to complete their work with excellence. I needed to facilitate that process in a cheerful, helpful way. 


If I had chosen what I wanted, I would have bolted. 


At least, my heart was telling me that's what I wanted.


The Truth of the matter, though, is that I really didn't want to choose the "easy way out." But it required His Grace for me to know that and for Him to accomplish it in me. My strength was not sufficient. It never is.


When we made it through the thick of the daily assignments, and everyone had worked hard to faithfully finish what their responsibilities required, we all felt a sense of accomplishment that only comes through pressing through the "sticking places" to finish the race.


I'm so thankful He helped me choose what I needed to choose.


Now, if it does work out one of these days where I can go check into a hotel for a couple of days to allow this introvert-who-is-constantly-living-outside-her-comfort-zone "recharge" in that way, you won't have to worry about the door hitting me on the way out. :)


Until then, I'm supposed to learn how to dive deeper into His Fathomless Grace. Wonder if I will ever learn to do more than a "dogie paddle" . . .

I would love to hear your stories of His Faithfulness in your life. Link up with us here and tell us all about it. He has been Faithful this week, this month, this year, we just have to pay attention. 


Thank all of you who have linked up in the past. What a blessing you have been to me!

Practicing A Work Ethic

Caleb is home from college and we are drinking in his presence. Our house is filled with Joy because he is here. Ben can hardly stand to be more than a foot away from him. After all, he almost shriveled up and died when Caleb left. It's precious to see the love in his eyes when he looks up at his big brother.

This semester has seen so much maturation in Caleb. He has learned many lessons about time management, the dangers of procrastination, and how easy it is to go through all that money he earned during the summer that was supposed to last him through May. :)

I wrote about it in the "Pages in Our Heritage of Faith" Link Up for tomorrow, but a huge impression has been made on Caleb by watching the process of Kregg changing jobs this month. Caleb has seen how Kregg's diligence, hard work, and integrity have earned him a position of incredible responsibility and trust. 

He came home from college ready to work. 


Kregg offered to pay him to do several things around the "Conderosa" during his break and he has been "up and at 'em," working hard and with the heart of a servant. It is so precious. 


It hasn't always been this way. As much as we try to teach our children a strong work ethic, they still have to choose to "buy in." We can talk to them until we are blue in the face. We can impose consequences, offer incentives, model the behavior. But we can't change their hearts. The Holy Spirit has to change their hearts. And so we pray. We pray for that very thing to happen. And He will move on our behalf.


So much of our parenting comes down to that Truth, doesn't it? We can do everything we think of to "help" them make wise choices, have the correct values, practice godly habits, love the Word, but we cannot change their hearts. Only the Lord can do that. When I walk in that Truth, it helps me parent better. When I don't, it tends to end up in a "power struggle," my will against theirs. And that does not bear godly fruit in any of our lives. 


As a parent, the best I can do is to pray and trust the Lord, while modeling a life submitted and obedient to Him, and to provide encouragement and discipline, knowing that their hearts will be changed through His Power. Understanding that keeps my heart humble before Him, which allows me a greater influence over my children than if I assume a position of pride or arrogance. And I have been guilty of both, that's for sure. 


I am so very thankful He continues to work on all of us.