Lack of Effort or Lack of Ability?

A childish, yet valiant attempt at constructing a coil pot

I need Wisdom. 


It would be nice if we could use a diagnostic computer, like they use on cars, hook the kids up to it, and figure out what was wrong, why things aren't "running" well. But, then we wouldn't have to humble ourselves before the Father and ask for help. And, as a parent, that's the very best place to be.


We try very hard around here to focus on root causes in the heart, not outward manifestations. 


Our specific area of need right at this moment, the area that has me asking Him for Help is this: I need Wisdom in order to discern whether two frustrated young scholars in our homeschool are actually unable or unwilling to do their work. Are they doing their best, but are simply incapable of processing some information? Or are they, because of a lack of motivation or interest, allowing their minds to wander? Or worse yet, not engaging their minds?


We don't know what Josh and Ben went through during their first several years. We know it was tragic, though. Members of their extended family are the ones who turned their parents in to the Russian government for neglecting their two little boys. They suffered rickets and were malnourished when we brought them home. Their parents were severe alcoholics, and though the boys show no outward signs of Fetal Alcohol Syndrome, there are quite possibly effects that cause them problems. 


Beyond the physical health issues, the fact that their birth parents were drunk most of the time means the boys received little, if any, mental stimulation. I wonder if they ever had a book read to them by their parents. Did they take them to a park? Did they tell them stories? Did they explain things to them? Even in their native language, their vocabulary was minuscule. 


None of those things were their faults. They truly were completely defenseless, at the mercy of parents whose lives were bound up in a bottle of vodka--to the point that, when the government workers came and took Oleg and Sergey away, those parents never again contacted their little boys. They never answered government correspondence concerning the fate of their children. They never wrote to them. They never traveled to see them. After two years in the orphanage, they had made no progress toward finding help and their parental rights were terminated.


All of those things have lasting consequences that affect them still.


But that doesn't mean we simply accept their delays and challenges as unchangeable. When we find the right motivation, it's amazing how much better their brains function. (snicker, snicker) When they know they won't get to go to Boy Scouts, or get their "roping rope" back, their work suddenly improves. Which speaks volumes.


But there are those days when things just do not make sense, no matter what we do. There are those days when, no matter how it is explained to them, a concept just doesn't register. There are times when I cannot come up with a single, additional way to explain something that causes "the light" to come on.


The line between lack of effort and lack of ability is often blurry. Wisdom is required. 


And not just for Josh and Ben. For all of them. In fact, one of our older children was very challenged in school work. Understanding that physical age and learning level are not the same for everyone is essential. And I have to continue to remind myself that, even though the boys are almost 14 and 15, their developmental age was derailed for several years while they were in Russia. 


Our expectations for our children need to be high. They need to be challenging. We need to encourage them to work hard and achieve what they thought impossible. Mediocrity is never a blessing. But neither is perfectionism. Finding the balance between effort and ability encourages the kids to do their best, without discouraging them with unrealistic expectations.


We want our children to be prepared for everything the Lord calls them to be and do. By striving for excellence in effort and performance, they are challenged to stretch beyond what is easy. They don't respect themselves when they know their effort is less than it should be, and we aren't doing them any favors to accept less. Whatever they are capable of doing for His Glory, we desire for them to do with excellence.


But Wisdom is required to see the balance.

Kisses From Katie: The "Beginning" of a Book Review

Katie Davis is living the life of a drink offering, being poured out completely in the service of her King. She first went to Uganda during the midpoint of her senior year in high school. She was "ruined." 


"Jesus wrecked my life, shattered it to pieces, and put it back together more beautifully."


Planning initially to spend a year in Uganda after she graduated from high school, before starting college, but ended up staying there. She is now in the process of adopting 14 daughters. Being only 22 herself, she never dreamed she would be a mother of so many, so soon.


"People often ask if I think my life is dangerous, if I am afraid. I am much more afraid of remaining comfortable. Matthew 10:28 tells us not to fear things that can destroy the body but things that can destroy the soul. I am surrounded by things that can destroy the body. I interact almost daily with people who have deadly diseases, and many times I am the only person who can help them. I live in a country with one of the world's longest-running wars taking place just a few hours away. Uncertainty is everywhere. But I am living in the midst of the uncertainty and risk, amid things that can and do bring physical destruction, because I am running from things that can destroy my soul: complacency, comfort, and ignorance. I am much more terrified of living a comfortable life in a self-serving society and failing to follow Jesus than I am of any illness or tragedy."

"Jesus called His followers to be a lot of things, but I have yet to find where He warned us to be safe. We are not called to be safe, we are simply promised that when we are in danger, God is right there with us. And there is no better place to be than in His hands."

"For as long as I can remember, one of my favorite Bible verses has been Psalm 37:4: 'Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart.' I used to believe it meant that if I did what the Lord asked of me, following His commandments, and was a 'good girl,' He would grant all my desires and make my dreams come true. Today, this is still one of my favorite passages of Scripture, but I have learned to interpret it in a totally different way. It is not about God making my dreams come true but about God changing my dreams into His dreams for my life."

All those quotes are from the Introduction! :)


She has a blog! Kisses From Katie

To be continued . . .

Caleb's Parenting Advice, A Link-Up in "Pages in Our Heritage of Faith"

Caleb was our only son for several years. And that was not okay with him. He prayed diligently for brothers, and the Lord imported them from Russia just for him. He takes his role as "big brother" very seriously, even while he's away at college. His influence has had such a huge impact, we will never truly see its scope this side of Heaven. But we are so thankful to the Lord for the passion He has placed in the heart of this tender warrior to help shepherd the hearts of his little brothers. 


As from the beginning of our time with Joshua, the battle rages in him between seeking only the approval of the Father and seeking the approval of "man." Joshua doesn't even understand the degree to which his choices are controlled by his desire to "please man." The scars left in his spirit because he was thrown away by those who were supposed to love him are still influencing him, steering him to seek love and approval from everyone he meets, trying to fill that gaping hole only He can fill. Balanced by the Father's Love, his naturally gregarious nature will be a great tool in His Kingdom. Out of balance, it drives Josh to do things without thinking about whether he should, whether it is wise, whether it would please Him. He tends to think only about whether someone else will be impressed.


We talk to him about the driving force behind his decisions, and about how we must "keep him on a short leash" until we know He fears only God, not man. We pray and pray. We encourage him to choose with wisdom, using God's criteria, not man's. But we are still troubled by many of his choices.


Caleb, too, went through a season when he was seeking the approval of man. During that time, he wasn't really himself. He would tend to be sullen and easily discouraged. His spirit was not at peace, and so nothing else really worked. It was a time that sent us to prayer a great deal, knowing that the Lord would have to touch his heart and help him to seek Truth which is embodied in Christ. The Lord answered our prayers, and the fruit of the Spirit in Caleb's life is so very precious to us. Maybe even more precious than it otherwise would have been had we not seen how the Lord had moved his heart.


Caleb has been reading the biography of Hudson Taylor, which is one of the most important books I've ever read. It's been a while since I last read it, and so, while we were discussing our concerns over Joshua, Caleb was reminding me of a portion describing the early years of Taylor's life. He believed it would help us with Joshua. And I think he is exactly right.


A little background here, in case you are unfamiliar with Hudson Taylor and his pioneering missionary work in China during the 1800's. He was used by the Lord to take the Gospel to areas of China that had never seen a white man, never heard of Christ. His unorthodox methodology became the standard for later efforts as he, instead of maintaining a "Western" worldview, fully embraced the dress, language, mannerisms of his adopted home. The missionary society the Lord began through him is still operating. But there was quite a journey required by his soul before he was fit for service in such a huge way.


During Taylor's early life, he, too, struggled with being too strongly influenced by peers. His parents and sister continued to speak Truth to him, but his earlier conversion had been to religion, not to Christ Jesus, and so there was no "staying power." He says this in his writings about that season of his life:

"Often had I tried to make myself a Christian, and failing of course in such efforts, I began to think that for some reason or other I could not be saved, and that the best I could do was to take my fill of this world, as there was no hope for me beyond the grave. While in this state of mind I came into contact with persons holding sceptical (antiquated spelling) and infidel views, and quickly accepted their teachings, only too thankful for some hope of escape from the doom which if my parents were right and the Bible true awaited the ungodly."

The narrative continues:

"He was all wrong, and his parents could not but see it. The father tried to help him, but found it hard to be patient with the phase through which he was passing. The mother understood him better, and redoubled her tenderness and prayers. But it was his sister Amelia, now thirteen years of age, who was nearest to him and best able to win his confidence."

That little phrase, out of the 500+ page first volume of the biography is what Caleb reminded me of. He believed that was an important key to help Joshua in the phase he is going through right now. 


It's hard to be 14 1/2, 5' 1/2", 103 lbs in a family where the guys are all 6' tall and 200 lbs. We keep reminding him that he is exactly, perfectly designed just how the Lord planned for him to be, but he struggles with trying to compensate for size with a "tough-guy" attitude. He loves the Lord, but he struggles with what that means in his choices. 


I have taken Caleb's advice, and believe it is exactly what I should be focusing on, continuing to pray that Joshua will seek Wisdom and Discernment, but also focusing on lots of hugs and teasing and words of praise and encouragement. He needs to be reminded constantly that we love him and are his biggest fans. Knowing that helps him not need the approval of others so much. So cranking up the cheering squad from the home team is the plan. Especially from Kregg and I. We need to constantly, consistently speak words of affirmation, encouragement and praise to him. We normally try to do that, but during this season for Joshua, we need to do it even more. 


And he loves it! He is so very attentive to serving me in any way he can. Several times a day, he will ask me if there is anything he can do for me, anything I need. That tender heart is exactly the type of ground into which the seeds the Lord is sowing will take root and grow strong. And as Hudson Taylor's dear sister stood with her parents in praying for her brother, Caleb prays and encourages Joshua.


And so for now, we wait. And pray. And pray. And wait. Knowing that He Who is Faithful will hear and answer. Again.

Our Father is Faithfulness in Essence. There is not a single moment during a single day when that Faithfulness falters or fails us. Can't happen! If it could, He would be denying His Nature. He would have changed! And that cannot happen. So if it "feels" like His Faithfulness is wavering in the tiniest degree, the evil one, or our own sin nature, is trying to deceive us. We can build our lives firmly on the foundation of the Faithfulness of our Father. (that's a lot of "f's" :) If you find yourself in a situation that causes you to question whether He is really Faithful to you, right now, ask Him to show you. Ask Him to help you see it. Guaranteed: It is there! Even in the most challenging, trying, frightening circumstances, the Truth of the matter is that we just have to look into His Face. He will be known by us if we seek Him.


How has He proven His Faithfulness to you? Find a post you wrote years ago, or write a brand new one. Your testimony can be something "earth shattering" or it can be the quiet whisper in your spirit speaking to you at just the moment you needed it. It could be the newly unfolding understanding of a passage in the Bible. It could be the Wisdom to speak exactly the right words at exactly the right time. It could be the softening in your child's heart that you have been praying for. Whatever it is, we should give Him Glory. And that's why there is this tiny little link-up every Friday. It's simply a way to encourage us to write it down so that we don't forget. In times of trial and testing, remembering all the times He has shown Himself Faithful to us will help us to believe He will again be Faithful.

Those Who Were Willing to Come

Reading through Exodus, something jumped out. After Moses had been to Sinai and received the instructions from the Lord, he cast the vision for the Israelites: They were to be His People; They were to follow His Law; And He would dwell among them in the Tabernacle.


And so they prepared to build His Dwelling Among Them.


The blueprint was specific. The materials list was specific. 


Then in chapter 36, it says this:

"Then Moses summoned Bezalel and Oholiab and every skilled person to whom the Lord had given ability and who was willing to come and do the work."

The craftsmanship was exquisite. Those gifted by the Lord were gifted for His Glory, for His Purpose. But, even though some were gifted for the work, it is implied that there might be some who were not "willing to come and do the work."

Of course, that little phrase provided lots of "food for thought."


Are there gifts He has given us that we aren't willing to use for His Glory?


Perspective makes all the difference.


If those craftsmen, gifted by the Lord, had truly understood what this Tabernacle meant, could anything have kept them away? If they had understood how that Tabernacle would be filled with the Glory, wouldn't they have lingered as long as possible? And their work? Wouldn't it have been carried out with more joy and passion and excellence than they could ever have mustered for any other project?


What about our gifts?


Do we have the perspective for their use that brings Him the most Glory? Do we use them for His Purposes? Do we seek excellence in their use because it's all for Him?


How can we, as parents with incredible ability to influence, how can we help our children to capture that Vision for their gifts? How can we encourage excellence, not for their glory, but for His? How can we help them have the true perspective on our time here?


Don't we have to have a true perspective ourselves first, before we can pass that vision on to them?

"every skilled person to whom the Lord had given ability and who was willing to come and do the work"

May we be willing. With everything that is in us, may we say, "Yes, Lord. Use us as You see fit."

It's All in the Choice

We emphasize it constantly around here: choices matter.


As agents of "free will," we get to pick.


All day, everyday.


And what we choose says so very much about our heart.


We are struggling with a young heart that has trouble owning choices. The effort is constantly made to try and wiggle out from underneath the responsibility and consequences. Add to that the fact that ingenuity is readily available in "applying a teflon coating to the soul" so that nothing "sticks." There's always an excuse on the tip of that little tongue for everything. It makes the routine that structures our schooldays an enormous challenge. Okay, it's not limited to school. Many days, it goes on from the moment this little cherub awakes until the moment the eyes close in sleep.


And so we continue the prayer that we have prayed for ourselves and all our children for years and years: 


May we desire Truth in the innermost places.


When we embrace Truth, it shines Light into those pesky, dusky little corners of our souls where we may be holding onto a handful of our sin nature. Any of it that we refuse to surrender enables us to continue justifying wrong choices: "I did it because _____________." 


That because is the problem.


If I give myself permission to not choose holiness "because ____________," I've missed the whole point of this journey through sanctification.


If I tell myself, because I'm too tired . . .


Because they didn't ___________, then I won't _____________.


Because I've had a hard day, I'm impatient.


Because she said that, I lost my temper.


Because . . .


Until we refuse to use "because" as a license to misbehave, there really won't be much progress made toward maturation, toward personal holiness.


The choice is ours to make.


All day.


Everyday.


If my obedience to His Standards is dependent on perfect circumstances, or the perfect setting, or the perfect conditions, or perfect responses from others, I have given myself permission to hold onto that dusky little corner that I really want to pretend doesn't exist. 


As "the mom," my complete submission to His Standards of personal holiness are constantly on display for our children. Yes, they are responsible for their choices. But, I am responsible for my influence. And my influence hasn't always been what it should be.


And so the journey continues.


Will my foot be on the accelerator or the brake? Will I choose to avail myself of His Grace that is readily available exactly when I need it, so that I am enabled to choose holiness every time? 

I'm praying so.


For my little cherub an for myself.

The Battle for the Imaginations of Our Children

This was drawn by "youngest" years ago

As those created in the Image of our Creator, creativity is at the core of our beings. Endowed with the incredible tool of imagination, man has been "creating" from the beginning. Intended for His Glory, our ability to imagine and create should be used to accomplish His Purposes through us. Is it any wonder the evil one has our imaginations in his wicked cross-hairs? Our enemy would love to hijack, for his own purposes, a Gift that is intended to be used in Holiness. 


So how do we thwart his efforts?


How do we protect the imaginations of our children?


Are we not the "guardians at the gate?"


No doubt, you remember your amazement when your young child came up with some incredibly fanciful idea or story or drawing. Watching their young minds at work is truly a humbling experience, because we recognize the potential contained in the gift of imagination. 


Is it any wonder there are so many attempts to capture the imaginations of our children? Attempts that do not have holiness at their core? Think of all the books and cartoons and movies and video games and regular games and apps for phones, and the list goes on forever, that try to capture the imagination of your children. Or even of yourself? 


Have you ever wondered why?


Have you ever wondered why millions and millions of dollars are spent creating things to sweep us up and away on flights of fancy? Have you ever considered just how many hours people in the United States spend each week allowing someone else to direct the course of their thoughts, strictly for "entertainment purposes?"


I'm going to spout off here, from my personal view of the world as I see it in black-and-white: I don't really believe anything is neutral. Either something is worth our time, or it isn't. Since time is our most valuable resource, the choice of how to spend it is of importance. Sure, there is value in relaxing. But we can't use the need to relax as an excuse to allow anything into our minds that isn't going to bless us in our walk with the Lord. 


We are choosing.


Whether we recognize it or not, we are choosing what captures our imaginations. Many people will argue that they aren't affected by watching something on television that they would never "live out themselves." But we must not be deceived. What we allow into our minds does affect our minds. 


As parents, what does this say about our responsibility to train our children in the use of their imaginations?


Their imaginations are always active. 


Are we offering them wholesome, encouraging, uplifting fuel for the insatiable appetites of their minds?


Their imaginations will be captured by something?


Are we being intentional about what that something is?


Do you know what your children are reading? Listening to? Spending time on? 


What is the value system of those who have created whatever it is that your child is fascinated by?


Our value system is reflected in what we create. 


If our children are reading, watching, absorbing things created by people who do not seek to glorify the Lord, is that truly what's best for our children? Especially when they are young, and their value system is still in the process of being formed? Especially when they do not yet have the spiritual discernment to recognize the schemes of the enemy that may be disguised in a book or game?


As parents, the Holy Spirit offers us the help we need to discern what is best for our children. All we have to do is ask and then be willing to allow Him to reveal Truth to us. 


There is SO much great stuff out there to capture the imaginations of your children. Of course, books are some of our favorite resources. And with the growth of homeschooling, many materials are becoming available again that have been out of print for decades. There is a wealth of historical fiction from a Christian worldview that is filled with adventure and truth and will capture the imaginations of your children. Biographies of great men and women are treasures that will bless the whole family. There is an incredible power in watching how people walk out their faith. 


Even if we haven't realized how easily worthless or even ungodly influences can creep into our home, the Lord will help us weed out and replace things with better choices. And, our children will acquire a "taste" for truly worthwhile things. That doesn't mean that our vigilance will not always be required, but it does mean that it will get easier as our "tastes" improve.


Our imaginations are intended to bring Him Glory. May we feed them properly.

Approaching the Word

I have been convicted, of late, that I should approach the Word with more humility. Okay, convicted is too strong a word. "Gently nudged" would be a better description. It occurred to me that I may have allowed an attitude to creep in that sort of "takes it for granted."


Not good. 


If I really believe that His Word is living and active, my heart should have an attitude that approaches it with a humble expectation of encountering Him through the words on those pages. Every time I pick it up, I should expect to meet Him there, in those words, and for that encounter to change me.


The kids and I discussed this today. In our homeschool, we read several chapters each day in our Bibles, and the very repetition can be conducive to the forming of an attitude of familiarity and complacency. So the posture of our hearts needs to be intentionally addressed to avoid a habit forming that allows us to read the Bible like it is no different than the words written by man. 


Even though they may not fully comprehend what to expect, they should learn to have an expectation when they engage the Word. We encourage them to write in their Bibles, to mark them up, to take notes, so that the lessons being taught them by the Holy Spirit can be built upon as the years pass.


This is the first year, for the ones still in our homeschool, that they are reading through the entire Bible in a year, in addition to our other Bible work. The hope is that it will become a lifelong habit that will take hold of their hearts. Not to check it off a list, but to help them continually devote time to the Word. Even if some of them don't understand much of what they are reading at this point, the Living Word is sowing seeds in their young hearts.

Setting Healthy Boundaries in Homeschooling

Homeschooling has many advantages that we love. Creating the most productive, constructive, creative, conducive atmosphere in our homes to accomplish our goals is a process. It will become easier, with time, as long as we stay focused on our objectives. Giving yourself permission to move steadily toward that goal keeps you from becoming frustrated by unrealistic expectations. 


One lesson that has been learned here over the years is the need to set appropriate boundaries. Having us all together all the time, the kids can become very used to having unrestricted access to mom. There are times, however, when mom needs time alone and uninterrupted. Our kids need to learn, from an early age that they can practice patience when mom needs a few minutes to compose herself, or pray, or just to go to the bathroom alone. 


The specific amount of time the children should be expected to give us will increase as they grow and mature, but it is good for them to start with the proper understanding of their responsibility to be independent for an age-appropriate period of time. Moms need a few minutes here and there and our children can learn to bless us by allowing us some space.


If we allow the kids to ask us anything at anytime, all day everyday, they can actually become too dependent on us for things they should be learning to take care of themselves. We need to explain to them that we are doing this for their good so that they learn to honor us and to work at things on their own. It's a good thing for them to see us spending time working on things that require our full and undivided attention. If they truly need us, then we stop what we are doing and are readily available. But I find that, especially with our youngest, she will keep up a conversation with me all day from morning to night about anything and everything that pops into her head. And believe me, her mind is in overdrive 24/7. Being an introvert, I really need a few minutes here and there throughout the day to simply not have to answer any questions. 


You have probably witnessed the results of children who have unlimited, unrestricted access to their parents anytime something pops into their little head that they want to say or share or ask. They can get to the point where they treat their parents almost like a peer, an equal, or in extreme cases: a servant. They believe that whatever is on their mind is the most important thing in the world at that moment. Parents can mistakenly believe they must respond anytime their child wants to engage them. Homeschooling moms can be especially susceptible to this, and from the best of intentions. 


Yes, we want to provide a rich and stimulating environment that challenges the developing minds of our children/students. To be balanced, however, they need to be taught to value times of quiet and solitude. Those extended periods of time where they engage their minds in big thoughts are so fruitful. And then when the time does come to re-engage in discussions with mom, the discussions are often more energized because of the boundary that was observed.


I haven't always understood this principle. In the early years, I didn't know it was okay to set this boundary. Not just okay, but wise. So if any of you can learn from my mistakes instead of having to learn on your own, then I would love to give you permission to say, "Mom needs a time out." :)

Revisiting "Homeschooling 101"

As a long-time homeschooling family, the education of our children is completely entwined with our lives. Yes, we have a schedule and a routine for the more formal aspects of the process. But we view each moment of every day as part of their education. All of us are learning all the time. The question is whether or not we are being intentional about it.


To be the most effective in our efforts, we really need to understand how vital a family vision is for success. Everything we do, homeschooling included, needs to be in the context of our family's mission from the Lord. What is it He desires to accomplish through us? And how best can we be equipped to accomplish it?


That may mean the choices made for curriculum and content areas look very much like "normal" school. Or it may mean it looks very different. 


It also requires an evaluation of the methods we choose in educating our children. The method should be chosen, not because that's how "real school" does it, but because it is the very best way to facilitate the learning of each child.


One of the most profound advantages to homeschooling our children is the ability to, as their spiritual authority, disciple them through their education in the context of their spiritual gifts. Each of them is uniquely designed by God to best accomplish His Purpose for them and their gifting enables them to do that in a way that brings Him the most Glory. 


When they are trained up according to principles that enhance their learning in the context of their spiritual gifts and the family's purpose, they are dynamic tools in His Hand. They are prepared to go into the world and be salt and light as well as excellent employees, homemakers, business owners, leaders, parents.


So as we forge the new trail into 2012, I am reminded to ask Him again to refine "the plan" we have for our homeschool. We want Him to lead us into each choice we make concerning content, systems, methodology, focus, and specific resource choices for each child. Our wisdom is simply not enough. We need His direction. Even though we've been at this for two decades, the more dependent we are on Him, the more fruit will be borne in each member of our family. 

Practicing A Work Ethic

Caleb is home from college and we are drinking in his presence. Our house is filled with Joy because he is here. Ben can hardly stand to be more than a foot away from him. After all, he almost shriveled up and died when Caleb left. It's precious to see the love in his eyes when he looks up at his big brother.

This semester has seen so much maturation in Caleb. He has learned many lessons about time management, the dangers of procrastination, and how easy it is to go through all that money he earned during the summer that was supposed to last him through May. :)

I wrote about it in the "Pages in Our Heritage of Faith" Link Up for tomorrow, but a huge impression has been made on Caleb by watching the process of Kregg changing jobs this month. Caleb has seen how Kregg's diligence, hard work, and integrity have earned him a position of incredible responsibility and trust. 

He came home from college ready to work. 


Kregg offered to pay him to do several things around the "Conderosa" during his break and he has been "up and at 'em," working hard and with the heart of a servant. It is so precious. 


It hasn't always been this way. As much as we try to teach our children a strong work ethic, they still have to choose to "buy in." We can talk to them until we are blue in the face. We can impose consequences, offer incentives, model the behavior. But we can't change their hearts. The Holy Spirit has to change their hearts. And so we pray. We pray for that very thing to happen. And He will move on our behalf.


So much of our parenting comes down to that Truth, doesn't it? We can do everything we think of to "help" them make wise choices, have the correct values, practice godly habits, love the Word, but we cannot change their hearts. Only the Lord can do that. When I walk in that Truth, it helps me parent better. When I don't, it tends to end up in a "power struggle," my will against theirs. And that does not bear godly fruit in any of our lives. 


As a parent, the best I can do is to pray and trust the Lord, while modeling a life submitted and obedient to Him, and to provide encouragement and discipline, knowing that their hearts will be changed through His Power. Understanding that keeps my heart humble before Him, which allows me a greater influence over my children than if I assume a position of pride or arrogance. And I have been guilty of both, that's for sure. 


I am so very thankful He continues to work on all of us.  

The Essential Nature of Humility in Parenting

As we all seek to raise our children in the nurture and admonition of the Lord, the posture of our hearts is of critical importance.


As our babies begin to grow up and exert their "free will," the need for discipline becomes obvious. If we are wise, we will approach discipline with a humility of spirit. If we recognize our position as a sinner saved by Grace before a Holy God, we will be well equipped to provide proper, positive discipline for our kiddos. 


Instead of growing angry because of their wrong choices, we will be able to speak Truth to them in Love for the purpose of conviction that moves them to repentance and restoration to a right relationship with us, and through honoring us, with Him. 


Without proper humility, this is impossible. Discipline doled out from an attitude of pride will not have the same impact. When I harbor pride in my heart, I am thinking of myself. I am irritated that my children are not abiding by my wishes. I am embarrassed because I believe their poor behavior reflects badly on me. I am frustrated that my expectations have not been met.


When discipline is administered in pride, it can provoke a poor response in them. They sense in their spirits that I am the one offended and, since they know first hand that I am a sinner, they can feel justified in their hearts for a sinful response to my wrong motives. This doesn't excuse them. But it is my responsibility, as a parent, to model for them the proper relationship to authority. When I do, they receive discipline from me differently.


When parenting from a humble heart, the grief felt over our children not living up to the Lord's Expectations is recognized by their spirit. They come to understand that they are responsible to the Lord for their obedience and that we, as parents, are simply the Lord's "agents" to help teach them to walk humbly before their God. 


Walking in humility of spirit before God requires parents to follow the Biblical admonition to keep a clear conscience before Him. So when I sin before my children, I need to confess my wrong choice and ask their forgiveness for setting a poor example for them. Our integrity is essential. Our children know if we are "walking our talk." If we hold them to a different standard than we hold ourselves to, they know that. Yes, they are still responsible for choosing well, but my influence with them is damaged.


Humility in parenting does not in any way mean you are lax in your requirement that their obedience is instant, cheerful, and complete. In fact, there is actually more "power" in the gentle and quiet condition of your spirit when you are truly humble before the Lord as you lead your children to Him through your daily example, than there is in screaming, ranting, or raving at them.


I haven't always done this well. I am so thankful He continues to teach me how to be a better parent. I am so thankful He redeems all the times I haven't disciplined in Love.

Trebuchet Triumph

I learned something this week about my youngest son, Ben. And, I must say, it is a "game changer."


Background first. 


Thirty six hours after we met Josh (Sergey) and Ben (Oleg), they were our adopted sons and we were about to leave the orphanage in Magadan in far eastern Siberia. The orphanage director was giving us a brief, as in two sentence, summary of the character of these two little guys, who now shared our name but whom we didn't know at all. 

She explained how Joshua was like Cinderella, willing to work as hard as he could just so someone would love him.  Then she said Ben believed he was a prince and could get away with anything if he would just smile big enough.


YIKES!


When we got home, we learned just how astute her summary had been. 


Ben didn't want to do anything that he deemed "too hard." At first, that encompassed almost everything. 


I remember getting out the Duplo blocks (giant sized Legos) for the boys to play with because they would be easily understood without a language barrier. He was six years old, but he sat in the middle of the family room floor with a block in his hand, crying like a baby and sliding the block across the building base over and over and over again. It was too hard. He wanted someone to build it for him. Needless to say, he did not get what he wanted. Life, as he had known it, was over.


He wasn't planning to learn English, either. He was going to continue speaking Russian and have Joshua serve as his translator for the rest of his life. You think I'm joking? Nope. 


When we were able to begin their schooling, it was the same story. Everything was simply too hard. He didn't want to put forth any effort and he fought every step of progress we made. It has basically been the equivalent of dragging him along. For seven years. Granted, school is hard for him. And there are things he will probably never be good at--that's okay, as long as he does his best.


We required the kids to learn their math facts before they could start our math curriculum. Guess who learned them last? Yup! That's right. No matter what we tried, they just wouldn't stick. We tried flash cards, drills, worksheets, manipulatives, rewards. IT TOOK YEARS! And there was NO progress! I began to think that maybe he was just not able to learn them. Finally, I figured out that he was bluffing. 


We were planning one of our epic road trips and the cousins were coming along with us. The kids LOVE traveling with cousins. Everyone rides with everyone else and the miles just melt away. Knowing how much he was looking forward to that, I told Ben that if he did not learn his math facts by the time we left on our trip, he would be required to ride the entire 4600 miles in our vehicle working on his flash cards. And I was dead serious. A week later? He knew all his facts: addition, subtraction, multiplication and division! Now, without constant drill, they still aren't automatic. In fact, he has to stop and calculate almost everyone of them while working his problems. We may very well be dealing with some fetal alcohol syndrome, but he still has to learn to do his very best at every job he's given.


Fast forward to the past couple of weeks. 


Our little group of young people at church have been in a great study on Sunday nights. As part of the study, they completed a spiritual gift assessment. Of course, the accuracy of the results depends a great deal on understanding the questions and so we tried to explain any terms with which they were unfamiliar. 


Interestingly, the area Ben scored highest in was craftsmanship. Hmmm . . . Didn't really fit with what we had seen for the past 7 years, but we felt we needed to simply wait and see.


We didn't have long to wait.


As we prepare for the arrival of the cousins and the commencement of festivities in celebration of Thanksgiving, we thought having our own little "punkin chunkin" experiments would be great fun as a group activity. I ordered two trebuchet kits of very different design so the kids could learn about the physics involved in the different models. How difficult could it be to build them? They're only two or three feet tall, after all. We could add their construction to our already formidable list of preparations to be made. No problem.

When the box arrived, I wondered what on earth I had gotten myself into! These are the parts for just one of them!

This is the first one, completed.

And here is number two!


And guess who became completely and thoroughly engrossed?! Guess who took the very complicated instructions and read large parts of it himself and assembled complete sections without any help? The same young man who has absolute FITS with word problems in math! He was amazing! 


Not only did I see something completely new in him, so did he! It was so precious. He realized that he could do this. Even though it had many intricate steps and pieces, he understood what to do and how to do it! You should have seen his face! There was a new maturity and confidence in him that gives me such hope. 


He said, "Well you know, Mom, it is one of my Gifts." 


A switch flipped.


I think this will be one of those serendipity moments in his life that he will always be able to look back on and recognize that everything changed for him while building trebuchets.


Thank You, LORD!!

Keep On Keepin' On

As we continue our 20th year of homeschooling, one thing is abundantly clear: this journey is a marathon of epic proportions. 


So much has been learned, not just by the children. For, besides educating our children, the Lord continues to sanctify me through this process. In fact, I sometimes wonder if that is not the more critical variable in this equation:

1 mother + 7 children + 20 years of 24/7 intense interaction

=

the inability to ignore areas in me that still are not completely submitted

Not only is homeschooling intense, but my "pupils" are intense. I have often wondered why He entrusted me with multiple children who are EXTREMELY strong-willed. I believe, in His most loving Mercy, that the answer is two fold: First, He desires them to bring Him great Glory through their passionate personalities submitted to His Will and Purpose through extensive parenting/training. And second, because I, too, am so very strong-willed and passionate about things. Having all of them home with me all day/every day is the best way for Him to also work on me. 

From that context, the extreme intensity of this season of schooling in which we find ourselves is directly related (if we yield to His Purpose) to the type and quantity of fruit He desires to bear in us. That is serious business. 

How do we keep the main thing the main thing? It is so easy to become distracted by the actual nuts and bolts of math and logic and Greek & Latin roots.

If the goal is to see Him more clearly and be always pressing further into His Heart, then the exercises in dictation or grammar are simply tools to be used to accomplish those goals. They are not an end in themselves. They are a means to a higher end. 

I'm sure I'm "preaching to the choir" here, but it helps me to, once again, "flesh" it all out and remind myself of the real reasons why we are still here after 20 years. 

For all you other homeschoolers out there: I'm proud of you!! Keep on keepin' on! It is worth all the work. They are worth all the work. :)

Book Review: Character Sketches, Volume 1

This book is one of our very favorite parts of homeschooling. The kids love it! It's unique format takes a specific character quality and focuses on four different aspects of it in four separate chapters. Each chapter uses an example from the Bible and from the world of nature to explain that specific aspect of the quality being studied. 


The best way for me to explain is to give an example. 


In Chapters One through Four, the character quality being studied is Loyalty. In Chapter Two, the aspect of Loyalty focused on is "Standing With Those I Am Serving In Their Time Of Need." The illustration from the world of nature is the Canada Goose, so the chapter begins with a story about how the goose shows loyalty even to the point of death when its family is in danger. The illustrations alone are worth the purchase price. Each chapter has a large full colored illustration of the animal. Our kids love to try to draw their own version of each animal as we read the chapters. Following the story, there are several pages filled with fascinating facts and more illustrations about the animal for that chapter. 


Each chapter then moves on to a character study from the Bible, in this case, Mordecai. The Bible character is introduced in a suspense-building page long story where the reader/listeners are challenged to try to guess the identity of the character before the end of the story. The next pages of the chapters contain a detailed study of that person's story and how they displayed or failed to display the character quality for that chapter. Mordecai was an example of Loyalty as he "stood by" the king when he learned of a plot to assassinate him. 


There are three volumes in this series and all are jam packed with wonderful information. The books are designed to be read by fathers to their children and encourage great discussions in the search for Truth. By giving such great examples, children can firmly grasp concepts that would otherwise be too abstract for many of them. The books are large, beautifully bound and are almost 400 pages long. We plan to buy each of our children their own set as they begin their families. 


This is #38 out of 52. I've gotten behind in my reviews, so now I'm playing "catch-up."

Join the Fun!

Providing a Framework for Young Hearts

As parents who love the Lord, we all desire our children to grow up into godly men and women who will honor Him and bring Him great Glory through the way they walk this earth. Admittedly, that goal is a lofty one. In fact, it can seem completely unattainable as we wrestle with the sin nature that rears it's ugly head sooner than we could have ever dreamed possible in our precious little darlings. 


And yet, as we read biographies of great men and women of God, we have testimony that it is indeed possible for these little "sinners" to grow up to be true reflections of Christ. But, how do we get there from here??! 


I must confess right up here at the front that I DON'T KNOW! I am still learning so much! But He has taught me so much! And some of that is what I hope to share here.


I remember going through LaMaze classes while expecting our first born. The labor and delivery went so fast! And there she was! Our precious Hannah, sent to us from above. I was in Love. And as the adrenaline continued to course through my veins, I remember walking around my hospital room unpacking and straightening things up after they brought me back to my room, while awaiting her arrival from the nursery where they were doing their initial screenings, etc.  And when the door swung open, an older nurse wheeled the little bassinet into my room while I beamed. 


Then the nurse spoke, "Honey, you are gonna have to sit on this child!"


To say I was a little taken aback would be a major understatement. I was outright offended. How dare she! 


Hahaha! I was so naive!! She knew exactly what she was talking about!! That very experienced nurse had seen enough babies that she pegged mine as incredibly strong willed from her first appearance in the hospital nursery. I had NO idea what I was in for! As we arrived at home, unlocked the door and made our way inside, we set her little carseat down in the middle of the living room floor. 


It was at that exact moment I had this overwhelming sense of panic well up inside me as my heart was screaming, "WHAT NOW??!!! WHAT ON EARTH DO I DO WITH HER NOW?" They had taught me all about birthing her, which seemed at the time so very important. But now what?? No one told me what to do next?


Well, I am happy to say that the Lord was and is Faithful! He took us from that point and Faithfully walked by our side, teaching us how to raise our children. I truly mean it when I say that I have probably gotten more wrong than right since that September day in 1987. And the reason I say that is not to be self deprecating, but to testify to His Sufficiency. I, who knew NOTHING about how to raise children, now have children who love the Lord and seek to spend their lives serving Him. So be assured that you, too, can reach your goal of having godly children. 


When Brandee asked me to write this post, she said she was looking for words that focused specifically on training our children to follow His Principles, and in so doing, becoming what they were Designed to become. That spoke to my heart because it is exactly the journey the Lord has guided us on. And is still guiding us on! Remember, I have 6 children who are still living here!!! :)


I think the foundational Truth that has impacted our parenting is that:


Every thought, word, and action reveals the heart. 


Understanding that gives a framework for our method of raising children. We deal with things in terms of character. That may sound simplistic, but Truth is quite simple. And so, when a child became old enough to understand right from wrong (which, by the way, is very young for many of them), we began to require obedience from them. Even before a child turns one, they may exhibit defiance or compliance. And from the time your will as a parent is challenged, you must engage the battle. 


The willingness to do this depends on our understanding that these precious little ones are born with a sin nature. They do not learn it "after the fact." Man is not inherently good. Man is inherently evil. Our children come to us with the seeds of sin in their hearts, and depending on the child and how God "wired" them, that sin nature may make itself known pretty early. Are they guilty of sin at that young age? No. But the makings are there and so the training begins from the earliest opportunity.


As soon as they are able to understand your words, talk to them about the "whys." When you talk to your children, discuss character qualities. Even toddlers can understand concepts like patience and kindness and service. And when you start from the beginning, or wherever you are in the parenting journey when the Lord reveals these things to you, they learn quickly what these traits look like. Instead of saying something like, "No, no. We don't do that," say instead, "It was unkind of you to take that toy away from your brother. You are being selfish. To be like Jesus, we are supposed to be generous with our things and share." By naming the character qualities, good and bad, children learn to look deeper than just the "surface" of their actions. They learn to label the motives of their own hearts.


In the same way, when I become impatient or grumpy in front of the kids, I need to confess in specific terms to them, labeling the character qualities by name, all the while pointing to the Lord as the One to whom we are responsible. When our children see us being accountable to the Lord, they learn that these are not just "Mom & Dad's Rules." It's much more serious than that. They see us taking our character seriously and they learn to take it seriously. 


When things in the family are dealt with on this level, it provides a strong framework for us to build into our children an understanding of God's Plan and Purposes for each individual. When we consistently point them to the fact that we are accountable and responsible for our choices before the Lord, it is an easy connection for them to see that He has Plans for them. 


The talents, giftings, and abilities He Designed into their beings help reveal what He desires to accomplish through them. Those unique aspects of their created beings are specially crafted by their Loving Father so that they may use them for His Glory. And when they are trained up from a young age to look deeply into the motives of their hearts, revealed by their character and seen through their choices, they learn how important it is for them to yield all to Him so that they can walk in the fullness of His Purpose for their lives. 

Every parent knows that each of their children is naturally gifted in certain ways. One of your children may be very creative, expressed through artistic talents, while another may show no artistic bent at all. That simply means their gifts lie in another area. When your child shows an interest in a specific area, encourage it. Feed the flame. Help them sate their curiosity in productive, meaningful ways, always pointing them to the Lord and His Design for their lives. Help them understand that the things they are good at are an indication of the direction He would like them to pursue in their service to Him. Give them a Big Picture view by telling them that you want to help them learn what He Designed them to become. Help them understand that they have an important role to fulfill in the Body of Christ and their giftings meet a specific need for the Body's role in the world. Pray with your child for discernment in what He Designed them to become. Model for them the seeking of His Face for direction and insight.


As a parent, you want to commission your child to accomplish his/her "mission" for Him. A sense of their Purpose, a Vision for their lives will give them a mighty defense against the lies and schemes of the enemy. That enemy will try to convince our children that they are worthless instead of priceless, incompetent instead of gifted, aimless instead of filled with purpose. By building into their spirits the Truth of who they are, they will more readily recognize these lies. By helping them walk in Purpose, they will be able to choose activities and friends that will help them accomplish that Purpose. By training them to recognize the motives of their own hearts through instruction in character qualities, they will learn to love Truth. They will learn to desire Truth in the innermost places of the heart. They will learn to accept responsibility for each of their choices and the consequences they set in motion, for good or evil, when they make a decision. 


So much of parenting in our nation over the last generation has not been based on Truth. It has been based on relativism and humanistic principles. Even those called by His Name have been deceived. As parents, cry out to Him for Wisdom and Discernment. He will supply it in abundance. He is the answer to whatever your question is in how to train your child up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord. Ask Him to help you. Pray for your children everyday. Many times everyday. Ask the Lord to help you see who He Designed them to be, He knows them perfectly. Ask Him to help you touch their hearts and stir up in them a love of Truth that will stand against all the onslaughts of the enemy. Beg Him for Wisdom to teach your children that their own worst enemy is not the evil one, but it is their own sin nature. 


And ask Him to help you live a life worthy of your calling to parent. Sit before Him and allow Him to show you the areas in your life that are in conflict with His Will. We cannot do our very best to train our children when we are not walking in the center of His Will, dependent on His Wisdom. 


If all of this sounds a little overwhelming, start simply by praying everyday for Wisdom and Discernment. Ask Him to help you desire Truth in the innermost places. Then know that He WILL answer! He WILL move on your behalf!! He WILL show you how to be a better parent tomorrow than you have been today. Trust Him. For He IS Trustworthy. He will bless us as we seek to honor Him through the raising of these children. 

This was written as a guest post at Smooth Stones a few weeks ago. As our world is consumed in preparation for the Tabernacle Experience event coming to us, there is no time for writing, so I thought I would offer it here as a stand alone post. I hope your week is going well! :)