Caleb's Parenting Advice, A Link-Up in "Pages in Our Heritage of Faith"

Caleb was our only son for several years. And that was not okay with him. He prayed diligently for brothers, and the Lord imported them from Russia just for him. He takes his role as "big brother" very seriously, even while he's away at college. His influence has had such a huge impact, we will never truly see its scope this side of Heaven. But we are so thankful to the Lord for the passion He has placed in the heart of this tender warrior to help shepherd the hearts of his little brothers. 


As from the beginning of our time with Joshua, the battle rages in him between seeking only the approval of the Father and seeking the approval of "man." Joshua doesn't even understand the degree to which his choices are controlled by his desire to "please man." The scars left in his spirit because he was thrown away by those who were supposed to love him are still influencing him, steering him to seek love and approval from everyone he meets, trying to fill that gaping hole only He can fill. Balanced by the Father's Love, his naturally gregarious nature will be a great tool in His Kingdom. Out of balance, it drives Josh to do things without thinking about whether he should, whether it is wise, whether it would please Him. He tends to think only about whether someone else will be impressed.


We talk to him about the driving force behind his decisions, and about how we must "keep him on a short leash" until we know He fears only God, not man. We pray and pray. We encourage him to choose with wisdom, using God's criteria, not man's. But we are still troubled by many of his choices.


Caleb, too, went through a season when he was seeking the approval of man. During that time, he wasn't really himself. He would tend to be sullen and easily discouraged. His spirit was not at peace, and so nothing else really worked. It was a time that sent us to prayer a great deal, knowing that the Lord would have to touch his heart and help him to seek Truth which is embodied in Christ. The Lord answered our prayers, and the fruit of the Spirit in Caleb's life is so very precious to us. Maybe even more precious than it otherwise would have been had we not seen how the Lord had moved his heart.


Caleb has been reading the biography of Hudson Taylor, which is one of the most important books I've ever read. It's been a while since I last read it, and so, while we were discussing our concerns over Joshua, Caleb was reminding me of a portion describing the early years of Taylor's life. He believed it would help us with Joshua. And I think he is exactly right.


A little background here, in case you are unfamiliar with Hudson Taylor and his pioneering missionary work in China during the 1800's. He was used by the Lord to take the Gospel to areas of China that had never seen a white man, never heard of Christ. His unorthodox methodology became the standard for later efforts as he, instead of maintaining a "Western" worldview, fully embraced the dress, language, mannerisms of his adopted home. The missionary society the Lord began through him is still operating. But there was quite a journey required by his soul before he was fit for service in such a huge way.


During Taylor's early life, he, too, struggled with being too strongly influenced by peers. His parents and sister continued to speak Truth to him, but his earlier conversion had been to religion, not to Christ Jesus, and so there was no "staying power." He says this in his writings about that season of his life:

"Often had I tried to make myself a Christian, and failing of course in such efforts, I began to think that for some reason or other I could not be saved, and that the best I could do was to take my fill of this world, as there was no hope for me beyond the grave. While in this state of mind I came into contact with persons holding sceptical (antiquated spelling) and infidel views, and quickly accepted their teachings, only too thankful for some hope of escape from the doom which if my parents were right and the Bible true awaited the ungodly."

The narrative continues:

"He was all wrong, and his parents could not but see it. The father tried to help him, but found it hard to be patient with the phase through which he was passing. The mother understood him better, and redoubled her tenderness and prayers. But it was his sister Amelia, now thirteen years of age, who was nearest to him and best able to win his confidence."

That little phrase, out of the 500+ page first volume of the biography is what Caleb reminded me of. He believed that was an important key to help Joshua in the phase he is going through right now. 


It's hard to be 14 1/2, 5' 1/2", 103 lbs in a family where the guys are all 6' tall and 200 lbs. We keep reminding him that he is exactly, perfectly designed just how the Lord planned for him to be, but he struggles with trying to compensate for size with a "tough-guy" attitude. He loves the Lord, but he struggles with what that means in his choices. 


I have taken Caleb's advice, and believe it is exactly what I should be focusing on, continuing to pray that Joshua will seek Wisdom and Discernment, but also focusing on lots of hugs and teasing and words of praise and encouragement. He needs to be reminded constantly that we love him and are his biggest fans. Knowing that helps him not need the approval of others so much. So cranking up the cheering squad from the home team is the plan. Especially from Kregg and I. We need to constantly, consistently speak words of affirmation, encouragement and praise to him. We normally try to do that, but during this season for Joshua, we need to do it even more. 


And he loves it! He is so very attentive to serving me in any way he can. Several times a day, he will ask me if there is anything he can do for me, anything I need. That tender heart is exactly the type of ground into which the seeds the Lord is sowing will take root and grow strong. And as Hudson Taylor's dear sister stood with her parents in praying for her brother, Caleb prays and encourages Joshua.


And so for now, we wait. And pray. And pray. And wait. Knowing that He Who is Faithful will hear and answer. Again.

Our Father is Faithfulness in Essence. There is not a single moment during a single day when that Faithfulness falters or fails us. Can't happen! If it could, He would be denying His Nature. He would have changed! And that cannot happen. So if it "feels" like His Faithfulness is wavering in the tiniest degree, the evil one, or our own sin nature, is trying to deceive us. We can build our lives firmly on the foundation of the Faithfulness of our Father. (that's a lot of "f's" :) If you find yourself in a situation that causes you to question whether He is really Faithful to you, right now, ask Him to show you. Ask Him to help you see it. Guaranteed: It is there! Even in the most challenging, trying, frightening circumstances, the Truth of the matter is that we just have to look into His Face. He will be known by us if we seek Him.


How has He proven His Faithfulness to you? Find a post you wrote years ago, or write a brand new one. Your testimony can be something "earth shattering" or it can be the quiet whisper in your spirit speaking to you at just the moment you needed it. It could be the newly unfolding understanding of a passage in the Bible. It could be the Wisdom to speak exactly the right words at exactly the right time. It could be the softening in your child's heart that you have been praying for. Whatever it is, we should give Him Glory. And that's why there is this tiny little link-up every Friday. It's simply a way to encourage us to write it down so that we don't forget. In times of trial and testing, remembering all the times He has shown Himself Faithful to us will help us to believe He will again be Faithful.

A Tragic Tale

He had only been coming to our little church for a couple of months, but loved it. His parents said he had never felt as at home as he did with our young people. 


When I got the text Saturday morning, I wasn't even sure at first which young man he was. 


It didn't matter. 


When you hear that someone has chosen to take their own life, even if you didn't know them, your heart breaks. How could a sixteen year old, a talented musician, athlete, popular, happy son/brother/student/Christian reach the point that he welcomed death? There were apparently no clues. No hint of what he was contemplating. Everyone said he was the last person they would ever guess would take his own life. 


I think about his poor mother. They had worked together to clean the pool, then shared a pizza for dinner. She had gone to fix him some hot chocolate. As she was taking it to him, she heard a pop and thought something had fallen. She had no idea what she would find when she went to her son.


And then there are his dad and sisters, who had left town to watch the high school championship football game. Even though they kept his body going for a few hours, his dad and sisters didn't make it back before he was gone.


There have been seven suicides here in the last month.


Those left behind always ask themselves what they missed? What could they have done? Why hadn't they known what was coming? Could they have said anything that would have prevented it?


A few hours after he died, there was a gathering at church of the youth and several adults. We cried and prayed and loved on each other. But we also spoke Truth out loud. 


We have an enemy who seeks to destroy us.


We must recognize that his goal is to isolate us so we believe we are alone.


He tries to burden us with shame that causes us to withdraw from others.


Our Father is always seeking to draw us nearer to Himself.


Any guilt we feel because of sin in our lives is intended to bring us to the point of repentance and confession so that there is nothing "between" us and our Father.


NOTHING can separate us from the Love of Christ. NOTHING!


Nothing we can do will cause His Body to stop loving us.


The Lord will always provide a way for us, no matter what.


We were created for Life.


We were created to reflect His Glory here so that others may come to know Him.


He IS SUFFICIENT for whatever concerns us today.


He is bigger than any problem we could ever encounter.


There are people who love you and will help you.


Suicide is NEVER the best choice.


He has plans for us, plans to prosper us and not to harm us, plans to give us hope and a future.


As His People, we need to be looking for those in pain, reaching out with Love. We need to go deeper than just a "How are you?" We need to be vulnerable and open about our struggles and problems. We should never be guilty of painting a false image of ourselves as problem-free and perfect, for then we close the door to ministry. 


As parents, we must do battle for our children. We must ask the Lord for Wisdom and Discernment to see our children, or those whose lives we can speak into, as they really are. We need His Eyes to recognize the ways the enemy is attacking them. We need to speak Truth and Blessings over their lives, out loud and often. We need to talk about big issues. Our children need to understand that they can talk to us about ANYTHING, ANYTIME, ANYWHERE. We need to tell them that we love them, daily. We need to hug them and laugh with them and poke our noses into their business. Anytime we believe something like this CAN'T happen to our family or friends, we are deceived. We don't need to live in fear, but we do need to be alert, aware of the threats the evil one brings against us. We truly must pray without ceasing.


For the record, our family is NOT perfect. No where close! The story of our lives contains one messy, problem-filled chapter after another. I sin, our children sin. But He continues to Love us and make us more into the image of His Son. We love to live in His Light, but that doesn't mean we don't have to cry out to Him to beat back the darkness.  

Book Review: Family-Based Youth Ministry

". . . teenagers learn best when they are surrounded by those who know more than they do, namely their own parents or other adults in the church."


This is the premise on which this vision-casting book for youth ministry is based. Mark DeVries has ministered to youth for years and the principles in the book were borne out of his frustration in making a lasting impact on the students that went through his "youth group." Even the ones he thought had been radically changed during the years of his ministry rarely went on to become adults who were maturing in their Christian walk. The ones who did grow into vibrant Christian adults were almost exclusively ones on whom his ministry made little impact. He says they would have grown into mature Christians even if they hadn't gone through his program. Why? Because they each had mature Christian adults, usually their parents, who were engaged in their lives. 


Out of this revelation, DeVries decided to completely refocus his view of ministry to youth. The program that he now facilitates is one that focuses on creating and enriching cross generational relationships within the Body of Christ. 


"The Christian faith becomes real to most teenagers not because of rational arguments for Christianity or because they try like crazy to hang on to what they believe, but because real people live out the gospel in what may seem like very insignificant ways."


So much of "youth ministry" today is "program-based." One of my favorite chapters in the book was examining Christ's ministry and recognizing the differences between it and what we come up with today.


"It is startling to realize the lack of programmatic focus in Jesus' ministry. He had no organizational chart, no planning team, no curriculum, and no ten-year long-range mission statement. Jesus' first priority in calling his disciples was 'that they might be with him.'" (Mk 3:14)


We all learn best by walking alongside the one we are learning from. There's no clear-cut, neat and tidy package that can be developed to create an assembly-line that will "turn out" mature Christians. We need to "do life together." We need to focus on the mentoring aspect of relationships. That's where the deep life lessons and principles are learned that provide a framework on which maturity can grow. 


"For most Christian teenagers, Sunday school and youth group have become a substitute for spiritual training in the home. Interestingly enough, the Sunday-school movement itself began as an outreach to unchurched poor children. Its founders never intended for it to take over the role of Christian parents."  


Parents must be taught, reminded, encouraged to take up their God-given responsibilities to train up their own children. Children who belong to families where this isn't going to happen need other mature Christian adults to come alongside them and take on the role of mentor. The ministry model that DeVries proposes in this book is based on developing these deep and lasting relationships wherein teenagers learn how to live the Christian life by watching adults do it. By talking to them and asking questions, they learn Truths that can take root and grow into a mature Faith. All of that growth is the Lord's Work. Our work is to sow and water into these young lives. 


"In the final analysis, though, family-based programs provide only the context for healthy connections to be made. It is the caring attentiveness of the older generation to the younger that is likely to make the most significant difference in the lives of the teenagers we touch, an attitude that can affect our youth much more deeply than our programs."


There is so much packed into the 250 pages of this book. If you want statistics, there are statistics. If you want anecdotal examples, it's full of them. If you want specific examples of implementation, there are pages and pages and pages of ideas to begin. The book is a complete package and I think anyone who longs for youth to grow into maturity would be blessed by reading it. My sweet husband is planning to read it and we hope to share it with others.  Hmmmm . . .  I wonder if I can get bulk discounts. :)



#31 in the challenge to read 52 books in 52 weeks. 

Read 52 Books in 52 Weeks

Reading Another REALLY Good Book!

"During the last century, church and parachurch youth ministries alike have increasingly (and often unwittingly) held to a single strategy that has become the defining characteristic of this model: the isolation of teenagers from the adult world and particularly from their own parents."   Mark DeVries


Too often, our children, the children of The Body are growing up simply to walk away from the Church, or living only mediocre lives lacking in power and victory. That is not our heritage in Christ!


This book delves into the reasons behind the problems we face in growing our children up and maturing them in the Faith so that they live vibrant, radiant lives reflecting Christ to a lost and dying world.


A full review will come later, after I actually finish the book, but for now, a few morsels to chew on:

The thing that impresses me most about America

is the way parents obey their children.

Edward, Duke of Windsor (1895-1977)

Adolescence has become a waiting period 

of enforced leisure with few responsibilities and

little or no meaningful contact with adults.

Adolescent Rolelessness in Modern Society,

A report of the Carnegie Council on Adolescent Development

Ours is the only era in the entire history

of human life on this planet in which the "elders"

of the tribe ask its newer members what the tribal rules

and standards of expected behavior would be.

Paul Ramsey, Ethicist, Princeton University

More often than not, children are learning major value systems in life

from the horizontal peer-culture. The vertical structure is not there

in adequate increments of time or intensity to do the job.

Gordon MacDonald

The Effective Father

The culture of the electronic media prescribes perpetual adolescence

and consumption as developmental ideals.

Indeed, perpetual adolescence and consumption constitute the

twin-pronged gospel of these media.

Quentin J. Schultze Et Al.,

Dancing in the Dark

Each of these quotes is taken from page 34 of the book, at the opening of Chapter 2! Ring true? Curious about the rest of the book? 

Me, too!